butt
female - the body part that every item of clothing ever manufactured makes "look bigger"
male - what you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning
commitment
female - a desire to get married and raise a family
male - not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend
communication
female - the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
male - scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys
entertainment
female - a good movie, concert, play or book
male - anything that can be done while drinking
flatulence
female - an embarrassing by-product of digestion
male - an endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding
making love
female - the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
male - call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed
remote control
female - a device for changing from one TV channel to another
male - a device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes
taste
female - something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good
male - something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out
thingy
female - any part under a car's hood
male - the strap fastener on a woman's bra
vulnerable
female - fully opening up oneself emotionally to another
male - playing football without a helmet
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WOMEN
"Yes" - no.
"No" - yes.
"Maybe" - no.
"It's your decision" - The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"What do you want" - You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" - I need to complain.
"Sure, go ahead" - I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" - Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" - I have flabby thighs.
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" - I want a new house.
"I want new curtains" - and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" - I noticed you were almost asleep.
"Do you love me?" - I'm going to ask for something expensive.
"How much do you love me?" - I did something today that you're really not going to like.
"Is my butt fat?" - Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" - Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" - Too late, you're dead.
MEN
"I'm hungry" - I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" - I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" - I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" - Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage" - I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" - What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" - I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" - Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" - Let's have sex now.
"I love you too" - Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk" - I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
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Women's ads
40-ish - 49
adventurer - 1. slept with all your friends 2. has had more partners than you ever will
athletic - flat-chested
average-looking - has a face like a basset hound
beautiful - pathological liar
contagious smile - 1. does a lot of Ecstasy 2. bring your penicillin
educated - 1. banged her political science professor 2. college dropout
emotionally secure - medicated
feminist - fat ballbuster
free spirit - junkie
friendship first - trying to live down reputation as a slut
fun - annoying
gentle - comatose
good listener - borderline autistic
new-age - all body hair, all the time
old-fashioned - lights out, missionary position only, no bjs
open-minded - desperate
outgoing - loud and embarrassing
passionate - sloppy drunk
poet - depressive schizophrenic
professional - certified bitch
redhead - bad dye-job
reubenesque - grossly fat
romantic - looks better by candle light
social - has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
voluptuous - very fat
weight proportional to height - grossly obese
wants soulmate - stalker
widow - drove first husband to shoot himself
young at heart - old bat
Men's ads
40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
athletic - watches a lot of NASCAR
average-looking - unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
educated - will patronize the shit out of you
free spirit - banging your sister
friendship first - as long as friendship involves nookie
fun - good with a remote and a six-pack
good-looking - arrogant
very good-looking - dumb as a board
honest - pathological liar
huggable - overweight, more body hair than a bear
likes to cuddle - insecure, dependent
mature - 1. until you get to know him 2. older than your father
open-minded - wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
physically fit - 1. does a lot of 12-ounce curls 2. spends a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself
poet - wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall
sensitive - cries at chick flicks
very sensitive - gay
spiritual - 1. got laid in a cemetery once 2. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
stable - arrested for stalking, but not convicted
thoughtful - says "Please" when demanding a beer
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Each field of study has its own jargon and, in fact, may even define the same thing in different ways. Here are a few of the different definitions of a thing as simple as a kiss by professors of different fields.
Professor of Computer Science
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Professor of Algebra
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Professor of Geometry
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Professor of Physics
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Professor of Chemistry
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Professor of Zoology
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Professor of Physiology
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Professor of Dentistry
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Professor of Accountancy
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Professor of Economics
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Professor of Statistics
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Professor of Philosophy
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Professor of English
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Professor of Engineering
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
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Studentspeak translator for professors
Student 1: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "I didn't know you assigned anything."
Student 2: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "I didn't know we were to turn it in."
Student 3: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "I don't have a book."
Student 4: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "I don't have a clue."
Student 5: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "I couldn't do the first problem."
Student 6: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "There was one problem I couldn't do."
Student 7: "I didn't understand the assignment."
Meaning: "Are you sure this course is required for graduation?"
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Scientific phrases
"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" - 1. This is the prettiest graph. 2. The best results are shown.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" - Once.
"In case after case" - Twice.
"In a series of cases" - Thrice.
"It is believed that" - I think.
"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1. I don't understand it. 2. I need more grant money. 3. I can get at least one more paper out of this.
"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Accidentally stained during mounting" - Accidentally dropped on the floor.
"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.
"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.
"The best values were those of Jones" - He was a student of mine.
"It might be argued that" - I have such a good answer for this objection that I want to be sure I get to use it.
"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.
"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.
"It is suggested that" - I wonder if...
"The implications are clear." - The implications are not clear (or I would have specified what they are).
"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that
"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.
"Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Of interest to me"
"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.
"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.
