The Wanderer *REVISED COPY*

G

GishtanRaampstern

Member
Hallo Accursed Farms
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As my first post I wish to share with you a novel I'm writing called The Wanderer.

Please note that even though I revised this it still might be slightly bad or out of form in english

Please DO leave any ideas or thoughts in the comments

The Wanderer

In the year 2015 a group of hazardous waste workers were transporting a tanker of Isotope B-38, which is a very potent and radioactive agent used for rocket fuel.

During the transport a group of terrorists attacked the transport facility in an attempt to jeopordize the U.S.A's rocket trips. The terrorists dropped bombs upon the building and the explosions busted open the tanker of B-38.

The chemical got onto the dead bodies of the workers who got killed by the explosions and reacted with the blood. The agent mutated the dead cells and reanimated the corpses. The dead rose up and attracted the others of their group with a piercing cry of agony. Wandering to a nearby town, the mutants attacked the townsfolk and released a gas from their bodies which contained traces of the B-38. The same mutation occured to these people and they too wanted to wreak havoc and mutate anything that they could find.

The year is now 2029, 14 years later. The air is toxic to breathe, food and water are irradiated, and everywhere you go you will need a gun. Let's leave it at that.

Chik-Chick...BOOM!!!

The shotgun blast echoed throughout the Metro.

Gishtan dropped the shotgun down vertical and loaded in more shotshells.

"tunnels are fuller than usual today" he said, walking forward, until he heard what appeared to be a banging grate. Listening closely Gishtan decided that that the sound was gunfire. Gishtan barely even had time to think about it, because the sound ceased not a moment later.

"I guess some survivor ran out of ammo" he said, patting the hip pouch full of shotshells which he owned, "I feel sorry for them"

Gishtan was approaching a door, deciding to check the whole Metro for loot, Gishtan entered. As he entered Gishtan heard a crash and a yell come from down the hallway which faced him. Running as fast as he could Gishtan rounded the corner only to find a bloodstained hallway. Gishtan exclaimed as he ran into the hall, nearly tripping in the pools of blood.

Regaining his footing and calming down a bit, Gishtan looked on the floor. There on the stained grates were four bodies. Pieces of them were missing and Gishtan could barely make out the faces. Looking up Gishtan saw against the wall a shadow, and it was moving.

Gishtan slung the shotgun on his back and pulled out a battered old pistol. Approaching very carefully Gishtan cocked the pistol and pointed it in front of him. Gishtan stopped and spun around the corner there, in the middle of a pool of blood was a creature. Looking up Gishtan saw that the creature was holding a man by the throat with a tentacle. Opening fire with the pistol Gishtan stepped back BAM! BAM! BAM! the rounds of the pistol delved into the things side causing it to drop the man.

Unslinging the shotgun from his back, Gishtan stepped forward pumping and firing until he heard the dry click of the hammer. The creature lurched forward and fell face-first on the floor. As it died a thick green smoke erupted from its back. Gishtan secured his gasmask and ran into the cloud grabbing the man by the shoulders of his vest. Gishtan pulled him back onto the metal grates in the hallway and checked for life.

The man was breathing spasmodically and twitching.

"you okay?" Gishtan asked, snapping in the mans face, "hey! wake the hell up man!"

"Nngh...Victor?" the man asked, running his hand over Gishtans cheek.

Gishtan looked back at the bloody hallway, assuming that Victor was one of the dead people, Gishtan lied and said "yeah it's me"

"oh thank god lad, I thought that the monsters got you!" the man said getting up

"no" Gishtan said, loading his shotgun "they almost got you though"

Gishtan circled around the man looking for wounds. The only thing he found was a large bump on the back of the mans head which was obviously making the man believe that Gishtan was Victor.

Gishtan took out a can of food and gave it to the man and the two of them sat there and talked about random things until, finally, the man got up and told Gishtan to get the gear and the others and meet him by the door.

This was just the beginning of it. I have about twenty pages done, but it is a bit late for me to type anymore. If anyone is online please comment on what I have here so far. I will probably finish the typing tomorrow afternoon.

-Gishtan Raampstern

 
You should be saying "he" instead of repeating Gishtan's name all the time, too many periods and not enough commas as well. Lots of grammar mistakes but those aren't as important.

A lot of your sentences seem unconnected as well, and a few of your sentences seem quite lazy, e.g. "Gishtan took out a can of food and gave it to the man and the two of them sat there and talked about random things".

 
I agree. It's not bad for a draft, but you definitely need to fill this out a bit and make it more interesting to read.

 
I wanted to read the whole but honestly.... it was almost painful. As people said above, you should use "he" instead of the character's name all the time. Remember to use synonyms. Synonym dictionary should be one of your writing tools
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I write stories in English myself, although it's not my mother tongue, so I know how difficult it may sometimes be. But a lot depends on your imagination, story pace and writing talent. Myself, I write in the same way I'd write the story in my language. I just keep up with the English rules and word order (grammar tenses are still tricky
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)

I'd say, read the story again, fix all the repetitions. Check the pace. While reading it's usually easy to notice that some sentences are too long, don't make any sense or just cause a "discord" in the story's pace.

I liked the descriptions and the story setting is interesting. Diaogue seems ok. I would have to read more of it to say more, but only if there won't be any repetitions
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This seems alright... I'd have to see more work on it to determine how I fully feel though. I like the set for it, but I really don't care for your use of so many periods.

It's alright though
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I do that sometimes in my drafts too. Please, if you write very often, feel free to view a draft that I seem to have misplaced on here.

 
Hello again Accursed Farms users, today I wish to share the combined works of myself and Very7684. We have combined ideas from different drafts and put them together into a story. We don't have much done but we have revised this part of the story and the meeting of Kj.

In the year 2015 the world ended...

Radiation destroyed everything we loved...everyone we loved.

One September morning in Washington D.C. people began to get incredibly sick.

Right now you're wondering what virus or sickness started this I'll bet. Well one might think the flu or maybe a stronger fever was to blame but it wasn't...it wasn't.

In that month of September the U.S.A was preparing to take a rocket trip to Saturn in order to scan the planet for useful minerals.That horrible day of September was the day of launch. Just as the rockets were launching, three S-19 assualt aircraft bombed the launching zone.Inside these aircraft were, as it was later revealed, a group of terrorists who were hell bent on ruining the U.S.A's trips.

As the bombs hit the launch zone, the rockets blew up. Our scientists had been working on a new longer lasting fuel, which was called B-28 isotope, that was radioactive. When those 10,000 gallon tanks blew up, the launch zone became flooded.The corpses of the workers and scientists were drenched in it, and caused a reaction with the blood and dead cells. Something in that radioactive agent reanimated the cells and caused the dead workers and scientists to live again.

Sadly though, the radiation mutated them and caused them to frenzy. Those mutated workers went out and attacked people. When they attacked they bit their victims and transmitted a toxic liquid into their blood streams. This liquid caused the same mutation to occur to them. The infected branched out and attacked others in every single country, state, city and town.

Over the course of 14 years the economy was completely trashed. Food and water became scarce and the land died from being unkempt. The world is now a wasteland...and you must fight to survive its horror.

 

CHK-CHK...BOOM!!!

The creature dropped as the blast echoed throughout the Metro.

Gishtan dropped the Mossberg 750 down vertical and loaded in more shotshells.

BINK-BINK-BINK...the shells popped through the shotguns slide and slid into the tube.

Pumping the shotgun he walked forward.

"tunnel is fuller than usual today" he said, creeping through the pipework.

BANG! he jumped at the sound. Thinking it was gunfire he took cover under a gas pipe. After a few minutes had passed with no other sound he decided that it was just a grate that had come loose.

Shortly after this he heard a crash and yell come from above him. Charging forward, he busted through the door at the end of the hallway he was in. Running up the stairs at the back of the room, he stopped abruptly at the mouth of a blood-soaked hall.

"holy shit" he breathed, almost falling in a pool of it

 

The hall was covered completely with crimson fluid and among it were pieces of flesh and bone.

"this was a massacre" he said balancing and shuffling forward.

 

As he approached the end of the hall he began to see a flicker of light coming from another hall past the one he was on and to the left. Upon looking up when it flickered, he noticed a shadow in the light. It was moving and it was massive.

Slinging the shotgun on his back he pulled out his pistol. The very old R037 felt warm in his hands. Cocking it, he held it forward. When he was a couple of feet away from the corner he sped up and spun around the wall. There in a puddle of blood was a man, but he was not standing of his own accord. Behind him was a creature two times the size of a man, holding his throat with a tenticle and strangling him.

We do have three more pages finished, but I will type them up later. I hope you liked this Accursed Farm. There will be more updates to it shortly. As always please feel free to leave any critique you deem necessary so that we may better the writing.

THANKS VERY!!!!!

 
AHHH!!! you weren't supposed to upload it yet!!!
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we were going to wait to complete it remember? and then release it for the summer time...man. It's okay Gish, just read my messages a bit better next time okay?

You're also welcome for the help Gish! as long as we've been friends I'm surprised you didn't know I was going to help anyway
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Hello again Accursed Farms users, today I wish to share the combined works of myself and Very7684. We have combined ideas from different drafts and put them together into a story. We don't have much done but we have revised this part of the story and the meeting of Kj.
In the year 2015 the world ended...

Radiation destroyed everything we loved...everyone we loved.

One September morning in Washington D.C. people began to get incredibly sick.

Right now you're wondering what virus or sickness started this I'll bet. Well one might think the flu or maybe a stronger fever was to blame but it wasn't...it wasn't.

In that month of September the U.S.A was preparing to take a rocket trip to Saturn in order to scan the planet for useful minerals.That horrible day of September was the day of launch. Just as the rockets were launching, three S-19 assualt aircraft bombed the launching zone.Inside these aircraft were, as it was later revealed, a group of terrorists who were hell bent on ruining the U.S.A's trips.

As the bombs hit the launch zone, the rockets blew up. Our scientists had been working on a new longer lasting fuel, which was called B-28 isotope, that was radioactive. When those 10,000 gallon tanks blew up, the launch zone became flooded.The corpses of the workers and scientists were drenched in it, and caused a reaction with the blood and dead cells. Something in that radioactive agent reanimated the cells and caused the dead workers and scientists to live again.

Sadly though, the radiation mutated them and caused them to frenzy. Those mutated workers went out and attacked people. When they attacked they bit their victims and transmitted a toxic liquid into their blood streams. This liquid caused the same mutation to occur to them. The infected branched out and attacked others in every single country, state, city and town.

Over the course of 14 years the economy was completely trashed. Food and water became scarce and the land died from being unkempt. The world is now a wasteland...and you must fight to survive its horror.

 

CHK-CHK...BOOM!!!

The creature dropped as the blast echoed throughout the Metro.

Gishtan dropped the Mossberg 750 down vertical and loaded in more shotshells.

BINK-BINK-BINK...the shells popped through the shotguns slide and slid into the tube.

Pumping the shotgun he walked forward.

"tunnel is fuller than usual today" he said, creeping through the pipework.

BANG! he jumped at the sound. Thinking it was gunfire he took cover under a gas pipe. After a few minutes had passed with no other sound he decided that it was just a grate that had come loose.

Shortly after this he heard a crash and yell come from above him. Charging forward, he busted through the door at the end of the hallway he was in. Running up the stairs at the back of the room, he stopped abruptly at the mouth of a blood-soaked hall.

"holy shit" he breathed, almost falling in a pool of it

 

The hall was covered completely with crimson fluid and among it were pieces of flesh and bone.

"this was a massacre" he said balancing and shuffling forward.

 

As he approached the end of the hall he began to see a flicker of light coming from another hall past the one he was on and to the left. Upon looking up when it flickered, he noticed a shadow in the light. It was moving and it was massive.

Slinging the shotgun on his back he pulled out his pistol. The very old R037 felt warm in his hands. Cocking it, he held it forward. When he was a couple of feet away from the corner he sped up and spun around the wall. There in a puddle of blood was a man, but he was not standing of his own accord. Behind him was a creature two times the size of a man, holding his throat with a tenticle and strangling him.

We do have three more pages finished, but I will type them up later. I hope you liked this Accursed Farm. There will be more updates to it shortly. As always please feel free to leave any critique you deem necessary so that we may better the writing.

THANKS VERY!!!!!
Click to expand...
My indents didn't show up.

 
Hello again Accursed Farms users, today I wish to share the combined works of myself and Very7684. We have combined ideas from different drafts and put them together into a story. We don't have much done but we have revised this part of the story and the meeting of Kj.
In the year 2015 the world ended...

Radiation destroyed everything we loved...everyone we loved.

One September morning in Washington D.C. people began to get incredibly sick.

Right now you're wondering what virus or sickness started this I'll bet. Well one might think the flu or maybe a stronger fever was to blame but it wasn't...it wasn't.
Click to expand...
 

Not a fan of the phrasing used here, and the way you address the reader. The elipses and the repition is also something I don't like here.

 



In that month of September the U.S.A was preparing to take a rocket trip to Saturn in order to scan the planet for useful minerals.That horrible day of September was the day of launch.
Click to expand...
 

First, scanning an outer planet a huge distance away for minerals is an intersting sci-fi trope but a gas giant? Strike me down oh lords of science if I'm wrong, but would you refer to what you could recover from a gas giant as minerals? (Insert EDI launching probe here) I'd just think if "minerals" are what you want, wouldnt't a terrestrial body like Saturn's moons be better?

 

secondarily, Department of Redundancy Department There's no need to mention September twice, and especially use the second line like that with no refernce to exactly what day in Sept. it is, or if that's even an important detail. I would just drop that line.

 

Just as the rockets were launching, three S-19 assualt aircraft bombed the launching zone.Inside these aircraft were, as it was later revealed, a group of terrorists who were hell bent on ruining the U.S.A's trips. As the bombs hit the launch zone, the rockets blew up. Our scientists had been working on a new longer lasting fuel, which was called B-28 isotope, that was radioactive.
Click to expand...
 

Radioactive Boron used as starship fuel?.....

assuming artistic license and Applied Phlebotinum here

 

When those 10,000 gallon tanks blew up, the launch zone became flooded.The corpses of the workers and scientists were drenched in it, and caused a reaction with the blood and dead cells. Something in that radioactive agent reanimated the cells and caused the dead workers and scientists to live again. Sadly though, the radiation mutated them and caused them to frenzy. Those mutated workers went out and attacked people. When they attacked they bit their victims and transmitted a toxic liquid into their blood streams. This liquid caused the same mutation to occur to them. The infected branched out and attacked others in every single country, state, city and town.

Over the course of 14 years the economy was completely trashed. Food and water became scarce and the land died from being unkempt. The world is now a wasteland...and you must fight to survive its horror.
Click to expand...
 

again, assuming this is directed at the audience, not liking how it was implemented. If this is a novel, that section reads like the intro text for a House of the Dead shooter. You're not supposed to be wanting me to put in a quarter and shoot offscreen to reload.

 

CHK-CHK...BOOM!!!
Click to expand...
 

dat onomatopoeia

 

while it looked kinda akward on the page, actually works pretty well.

 

The creature dropped as the blast echoed throughout the Metro.Gishtan dropped the Mossberg 750 down vertical and loaded in more shotshells.

BINK-BINK-BINK...the shells popped through the shotguns slide and slid into the tube.

Pumping the shotgun he walked forward.

"tunnel is fuller than usual today" he said, creeping through the pipework.

BANG! he jumped at the sound. Thinking it was gunfire he took cover under a gas pipe. After a few minutes had passed with no other sound he decided that it was just a grate that had come loose.

Shortly after this he heard a crash and yell come from above him. Charging forward, he busted through the door at the end of the hallway he was in. Running up the stairs at the back of the room, he stopped abruptly at the mouth of a blood-soaked hall.

"holy shit" he breathed, almost falling in a pool of it

 

The hall was covered completely with crimson fluid and among it were pieces of flesh and bone.

"this was a massacre" he said balancing and shuffling forward.
Click to expand...
 

fairly good imagery, I had a good view of the action here in my head as I read it, but the phrasing is again akward and a bit rushed. The pause for the gunshot sound gives no payoff when he just brushes it off and keep going. perhaps pause slightly longer there and build a bit of tension with the threat you created, don;t just throw it away so quickly. And what did he shoot? a Boron zombie? is he worried about more of them? Raiders? Can Boron zombies use guns? Some insight here is nice, especially since this is an intro and we just got dropped into the action after wall-o-exposition. And who is he talking to? I can sorta see him talking to himself, but living your life in zombie infested wasteland hell hole and talking to yourself makes his mental health a bit suspect. he could be thinking some of it just as well.

 



As he approached the end of the hall he began to see a flicker of light coming from another hall past the one he was on and to the left. Upon looking up when it flickered, he noticed a shadow in the light. It was moving and it was massive. Slinging the shotgun on his back he pulled out his pistol. The very old R037 felt warm in his hands. Cocking it, he held it forward. When he was a couple of feet away from the corner he sped up and spun around the wall. There in a puddle of blood was a man, but he was not standing of his own accord. Behind him was a creature two times the size of a man, holding his throat with a tenticle and strangling him.
Click to expand...
I like this part, a powerful new threat and some good suspense for the next bit.

Overall, not that bad, but kinda bland. The opening makes me feel Fallout 3 with a bad excuse, but the actual content is engaging enough. Just don't get too generic and focus on making the words really flow together. Think about how authors write in books you like and try to emulate how cohesive that can be.

I'd like to see more and I hope you appreciate my criticism.

 
^ I do accept your criticism alot, thanks you

Moving right along here we are continuing the story
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When we last left off Gishtan had turned a corner in a Metro station and found a man being strangled by a mutant.

Before even having time to aim, Gishtan was being grabbed from behind. Spinning his head around he saw that it was a Chimera (a Chimera is a mutated dog with acid covered saliva, and tenticles coming out from its mouth). He bent over and pointed the pistol at the Chimeras face. BAM! BAM! two 7.37mm rounds hit into its mouth. The tenticles loosened when the Chimera fell back. Quickly Gishtan sliced them away with his knife. Turning 360 degrees he stomped on its head. CRACK! the skull split and the Chimera dropped down.

Full attention returned to him, Gishtan faced the creature once more. The man was now very pale and not moving. Raising the pistol again Gishtan unloaded the clip upon its massive side. The bullets ripped through its flesh, and knocked it back. It let out a horrible shriek and dropped the man down, he was breathing spasmodically and twitching. Clip empty, Gishtan unslung the Mossberg from his back. "go to hell" he said, pulling the trigger and stepping forward every consecutive pump and trigger pull.

The creature flailed around and, finally, as the shotgun clicked empty it fell and released fumes from a hole in its back. popping on his gas mask he ran into the fumes and drug the man out. He put the man on the metal grates in the hallway. "you alive?" he asked the man, feeling his chest. "hey! wake the fuck up" he snapped in the mans face. The man stirred and, turning his head toward Gishtan, smiled...

This is where I'll end this one...might actually turn it into a daily read for everyone. Kind of like those old 50's storys in the paper of news.

As always leave feedbacks for me and very!!

 
I did not like this part that much. Immedietly, I got hit with more Fallout 3

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even if your description was a bit differnt, this is the image my brain brought out instantly. I understand the desire for lengthy, satisfying fight scenes, but here it just feels drawn out and unnessecary. Almost any of the combat lines could have ended it there, instead we get a lot of things that feel like, "he hit it, it hurt, he hit it again, and again, again, ok now it's dead," make your scenes have a value to them, each a worthy addition to the text instead of padding. Either satisfy the reader with a rewarding and engaging sequence or move on quickly to the important part. That's my biggest gripe here, this is shorter than what you had before, but it moves us practically nowhere, he sees a monster, kills it, and then a sort of weak lead in to the next segment. This style i feel works pretty well in a comic book where you can visually illustrate a detailed fight quickly and not hold back your story, but text needs either some weight to the scene or a quick kill and a segue.

oh, and a last second thought, at this point it feels like he's pulling equipment out of his ass since we haven't had practically any time for establishing this character and his gear, hell I have no idea what he looks like beyond a generic Metro 2033 armored dude image in my head. Take some time and establish character. Long descriptive paragraphs are actually a good thing sometimes. You can't just leave a lot of important things floating for too long, its not up to the reader to fill in the majority of your creation for you with imagination.

As always, I'm doing this because I like writing and analyzing my own and other people's writing and I genuinely like to see people improve their quality of work. Here's looking forward to a part 3, hopefully a bit larger and significant to establishing our plot.

P.s. oh yeah, and you've slipped back into using his name constantly, pronouns and word variety are your friends.

 
ugh, I just typed up like 2 more pages and when I hit post reply it asked me to login even though I already was logged in and it erased all of it
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. Nevermind, I'll type it all again later. Sorry to those who were hoping for a part today.

 
^No, we have the story in notebooks and then every time we type up a part we just copy it from the book...

 
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