Useless Advice

This game is simple. You present a problem, someone responds with nonsensical/worthless advice, then they present a new problem. Rinse and repeat till we discover the meaning of life. Keep in mind the advice doesn't actually have to answer the problem. It just has to be advice of some kind.

I'll start:

Bigfoot tore my penis off while I was pissing on the side of the road. What should I do?

Find a twig of relative size to your lost penis, place it gently in the hole left from where you got your dick ripped off.

Insta-forever boner.

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up

Tear out the floor be it carpet, wood, or tile and lay it on yourself. After 45 minutes, if the toys from Toy Story still haven't come, you're doing it wrong.

Since Pinkie Pie doesn't play by the rules, here's a new problem.

The penis that Bigfoot tore off of me was covered with warts. They spread to Bigfoot and now everything in the forest is covered with warts. How do I fix that?

Burn the forest down.

I left my grandma in the center of said forest in a house made of gasoline balloons, what do?

well, obviously you have to pop the balloons, take the gasoline and transfer it to smoke with a breakthrough in science also known as a Zippo lighter. then you have to lie on your alibi afterwords.

people! someone has hacked into my computer! help!

Stop having your password be "password" and come up with something more creative!

Help! My car has a flat and I have no spare tire, what do i do?!

Find A LOT of beacon, wrap it around your car wheel = profit

Halp, my shoelaces are untied.

quick invent a radioactive rig from diamonds and obsidian and then program it using your motherboard made of silk to tie your shoes!

i'm out of money any advice?

Whoring!

We're out of milk and I just ate 30 cookies!

simple! get the Norse monkey god to stick his finger down your throat to get rid of your cookies, then visit a farm, pay a farmer $300 to buy a calf, then raise it. BOOM! infinite milk! you mad grocery stores?

i almost forgot to post a question! any advice so i remember?

hire a tattoo artist, and while having your friends hold open your eyelids, tattoo the reminder on the inside of them. that way, all you have to do is close your eyes and look at something bright for the reminder!

My hair is always tangled. WHAT DO?

this one will take a bit more work than usual..cut your hair off so you're completely bald, then buy a wig the exact length and color as your hair, then comb it every night.

any ideas for my sister's birthday present?

Buy her a 12-guage!

404 question not found.

I think my neighbor's a psycho jungle cat. How do I deal with this?

Grab a slice of bacon, and eat it, let the epicness of the baconhh wash the worries away.

Help! I'm out of bacon! what do I do?

Get a bag of grease and mix it in a pot filled with gasoline. Light it.

Oh no! Now I have a fire in my house!! I didn't see THAT coming!! What do I do?

Quick! use the fire to make s'mores!

Oh shit! I accidentally killed my neighbor with rat poison! what do I do so I don't go to jail?

Take the body and place it outside the police station making it look homeless, the police won't pay any attention to it.

My bank account ran out of money and I might get my 747 repoed, what do I do?

okay! let somebody highjack it, then shoot it down with an RPG!

My oil well ran dry. any advice?