Joke Thread.

[ProHypster]

Uranus.

[Scorpia]

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

 

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."

 

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

__________________________________________

 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

 

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[ProHypster]

Mmmm. 5/10...

[Blue]

What is Eternity?

Oh, I could go on about that forever.

[Alyxx Thorne]

Heard about the prostitute who got arrested because someone told her "fuck the police" and she took it literally?

[J.C.]

A man was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

 

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want".

 

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

 

The man said, "Look, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

A Priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What, is this some kind of joke?"

[Blue]

How many Engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

1.

[J.C.]

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None. It's a hardware problem.

[ProHypster]

How many ProHypsters does it take to change the lightbulb?

 

One and a half mates, one and a half.

[J.C.]

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

How much coke did Charlie Sheen do last January?

Enough to kill 2 and a half men.

[ProHypster]

haha, that one everybody knows , I kind of miss him as an actor though, this new guy is not nearly as funny imo.

 

[J.C.]

TIP: when somebody talks about making space travel "quick and cheap", it is not a good idea to respond "Like your mom?"

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

Iron = Fe

Man = Male

 

Therefore

 

Ironman = Female

[ProHypster]

That would be a good joke but unfortunately Iron isn't Fe, iron is Ferrum.

[J.C.]

Your Momma's so fat things look closer to her due to gravitational lensing.

[ProHypster]

This is where cultural difference can result in a problem instead of a laugh. In ukraine we don't tolerate your momma jokes, no matter how they are intended.... I've seen people getting beat up for saying something like that. However sine you typed to idk who, and you obviously didn't know that I let it go.

 

During the French Revolution a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are all to be put to death by the guillotine.

 

The lawyer lies down, waiting for the blade to come down. When the blade drops it suddenly stops inches away from the lawyer's throat. Every watching agrees he can't be legally executed twice, so they let him go free.

 

The priest goes next and the same thing happens, the blade stops inches from his throat. Everyone watching agrees he was saved by divine intervention, so they let him go free.

 

The engineer is next, he stares up at the blade and suddenly he shouts out "Wait a second, I see your problem..."

[J.C.]

Oh, sorry. It was just from a list of YMSF jokes I saw in a nerdy jokes site, it was not directed at you in particular, just a bad coincidence you posted before me.

 

Let's do this instead. Engineer jokes. No one has a problem with those. I am one, in fact. An engineer, not a joke.

 

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?

A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

 

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

 

You might be an engineer if:

- Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.

- In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

- At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

That would be a good joke but unfortunately Iron isn't Fe, iron is Ferrum.

 

I'M SPEAKIN' OF THE ATOMIC SYMBOL. >