Joke Thread.

[Blightmare]

My friend just told me this one: How did the hipster burn his tongue?

 

...he ate the pizza before it was cool. BA DUM TSCH

*facedesk*

 

 

Anywho

[scott155]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are investigating a crime scene when they see a note that says "HEAD TO ROOM X. 5+X=12"

 

Sherlock says, "Watson, that's one thing I can't solve."

Watson, surprised, replies, "But Sherlock, it's simple algebra! How far did you get in school!?"

To which Sherlock replies, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

[Jek Jek Roo]

Q: Whaddaya call a boomerang that don't come back?

A: A stick.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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What has 8 eyes and 8 legs?

-8 Pirates!

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There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

 

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: 

'What is 3 x 3?'

 

Harry: 

'9.'

 

Principal:'What is 6 x 6?'

 

Harry: 

'36.'

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

 

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

 

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

 

Harry: 'Pants.'

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

 

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

 

Harry: 

'Firetruck.'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the 

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. 

[scott155]

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

 

A:

Two, but I don't know how they got in the light-bulb.

 

[philipsteele]

before some days a stranger asked me to the way of a junction...and we are different languages i don't know what he was said and i think he feels the same.....but we are talked about half an hours......lol....

[scott155]

Two men were sitting in a bar when one of them says to the bartender, "I would like some H2O, please." So, the bartender hands him a glass of water. The second man, thinking this was a good idea, says "I'll have some H2O too!" The second man drank his drink and died.

[saja]

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says 'I've lost an electron'. The other asks 'Are you sure?'. And the first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

[Jek Jek Roo]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

 

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[scott155]

I once tried to tell a joke using only donkey noises, but I ended up just sounding like an ass.

[Mongoose]

Since I am not creative, I will rip a joke from fallout 3.

 

"So two cannibals are eating clone; one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Blue]

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 

'Firetruck.'

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the 

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. 

Those are questions you're asked if you want to join a Rotary Club.

[Ecorp99]

Two cannibals are having dinner. One says that he doesn't like his mother-in-law, to which the other replies, "So just eat your vegetables."

 

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A man walk into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a shotgun and points it right in his face. The man thanks him and leaves. Why? He had hiccups. (Sorry for no spoilers on that one, I'm on my phone)

 

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What word of advice did an engineer give to a pimp? "The way I do things is I screw, I nut, and then I bolt."

 

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How are tornadoes and women alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and they take the house when they leave.

(just for future reference, the above joke in no way expresses my personal feelings about sexism)

 

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Did you know if you say the word "gullible" really slow, it sounds like "green beans"?

 

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*Sonic and Shadow are sitting in an office* Executive: Sonic, get the hell out, you're fired. *Sonic leaves in tears* Executive: Okay, now Shadow, you're getting you're own game! Now, here's your gun...

Shadow: I don't know how to use this! What makes you think I can use this? My black fur?

Executive: No, umm, you can learn! Now you're game is just like Sonic's, but we've changed one more thing, there aren't any rings anymore...

Shadow: What are they?

Executive: Watermelon slices!

(same thing as the women and tornado joke, I'm not racist at all)

[J.C.]

Argon walks into a bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

 

Argon doesn't react.

[Blue]

I loled.

[Axeldeath]

Epic joke right there.

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

What do you do to a sick scientist? Curium

What do you do to an injured scientist? Helium

What do you do to a dead scientist? Barium

[J.C.]

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Epsilon]

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry; we don't serve minors."

 

J.C.: That is so frequently used.

[scott155]

There are three guys walking through a desert. One is very optimistic, one is reasonable and level-headed, and the other is rather cynical. The optimist says, "Don't worry guys we can make it out of this desert! I'm sure of it!" The reasonable one says, "Maybe, but we've got to use our resources carefully, okay?" and the cynic says "Yeah, three guys walkin' through the desert. This sounds like the set up to a bad joke." After some more walking, the three men stubble upon an old oil lamp. The optimist, practically hyperventilating with excitement, says "OH, BOY A LAMP I BET IT HAS A GENIE AND WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS DESERT!!!" The reasonable one says, "Relax, it's probably just a lamp, okay?" and the cynic says, "Okay, seriously? This really is just a bad joke, isn't it?" Well, it turns out the optimist was right and a genie comes out of the lamp and says "I will grant you three wishes" The optimist, more exited than before, says "YEAH, I WAS RIGHT WE CAN GET OUTOF THE DESERTANDSTILLHAVETWOWISHESLEFTOVERGUYSTHISISAWESOME!!!!" the reasonable one says, "Clam down! We need to choose our wishes carefully! This isn't something we should squander!" and the cynic says, "I wish this damn joke would end."