Joke Thread.

[Axeldeath]

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Edited January 7, 2012 by Guest (see edit history)

[scott155]

-snip-

Forum Rules... 3. Don't make child pornography jokes or comments, directly or implied.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Guest (see edit history)

[Axeldeath]

Fine, but you'll have to edit it out of your posts as well.

[Martin]

You know what makes me smile?

 

Face muscles.

 

(I'm so sorry!)

[scott155]

You know what makes me smile?

 

Face muscles.

 

(I'm so sorry!)

You know what makes me laugh?

 

Nitrous oxide.

[Razor235]

[J.C.]

There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"

 

The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."

 

"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.

 

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks." So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million bucks."

 

The engineer was non-committal and then said, "I always wished I could donate a kidney!"

[Pinkie Pie]

Hah. That made me smile. I'm not sure why anyone would WANT to donate a kidney though.

[Razor235]

Nice one.

[Koach]

Actually, there's a very similar joke in spanish, involving the wife and being half-dead.

[J.C.]

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

 

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

 

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

 

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

 

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

 

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

 

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

 

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

[WonSul]

What does a clown's fart smell like?

[Doom Shepherd]

Joke in the form of a LOL image:

 

[Razor235]

A Mafia leader was going to be running late for a meeting with his subordinates, and so hastily scrawled "Kill time" on a note and sent it to them. When he arrived, he found one of his trusted lieutenants dead. He was initially angry, but then saw the note and realized that the "e" looked like a period. Everyone had a laugh, except for poor Tim.

[J.C.]

If you fall, I'll be there.

 

- The floor

[Razor235]

I got a couple of really bad puns for ya.

 

Shanghai?

No, about 20 cm off of the ground.

 

Marmite

But Pa might not.

[Arby]

Not sure if this has been posted but, there were four men flying in an airplane, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan. The pilot comes over the intercom and announces that the plane is going to crash and that there is only a single parachute on-board. The Englishman steps to the door, announces, "God save the Queen!" and jumps out. The Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and jumps out. The Texan yells, "Remember the Alamo!" throws the Mexican out the door and jumps out with the parachute.

[Jek Jek Roo]

-Knock Knock

-Who's there?

-Gestapo

-Gestapo who?

-Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

----

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

---

"Two Martinis, bitte."

"Dry?"

"Nein, I said TWO!"

---

Q: How does a German eat mussels

A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!!

 

---

Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.

Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won't show it.

Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.

Tell a joke to a Russian, and he will tell you that he knows three more versions of that joke that are much better.

---

While Stirlitz was driving at 120 m/h, Muller was running nearby, pretending he is not in hurry.

[Axeldeath]

I notice a running theme in that post.

[J.C.]

Here's another running theme for you.

 

A man walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "A pint please, and one for the road."

 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub, followed by a lesbian, a dog, and a white horse.

The barman says, "is this a joke or what?"

 

A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "A pint of lager please."

"Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

 

Two drunks are walking along the road in London. One turns to the other and slurs, "Is this Wembley?"

"No, it's Thursday."

"So am I! Let's go for a drink."