Joke Thread.

[J.C.]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Doom Shepherd]

Overheard today, and it made me laugh:

 

"It's not 'a fetus!' It's a member of Occupy Your Vagina!"

[Blue]

12% of the planets have 70% of the mass

Occupy Jupiter

[Jek Jek Roo]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes

Jokes about Stirlitz are the best...

 

SS men blocked all exits from the building. "Idiots," he thought and went out through the entrance.

 

Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stirlitz.

[J.C.]

Rene Descartes sits down for a meal at a Parisian restaurant. The waiter asks for his order and he orders a hamburger.

 

The waiter asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

 

Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.

 

[Very7684]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

OMFG!!! ROFL

[kirkus]

Read each number out loud....individually..

 

1 1 was a horse

1 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race

1 2 1 1 2

[J.C.]

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician agree to take part in an experiment. Each person is locked in a room with nothing but a single can of beans.

 

After three days the researchers open each door in turn. In the first room they find the physicist happily scrawling equations across a wall, and the can of beans is neatly popped open. They ask him how he opened the can and he says "Oh, I applied pressure to the stress points".

 

They take their notes and move on to the next room, where the engineer is snoring in a corner. The can is lying beside him, a smashed pile of metal. They wake him and ask him how he opened the can, to which he replies "I battered it to it's failure point."

 

Finally, they open the third door. There they find the mathematician holding the can, rocking back and forth and muttering "Assume the can is open. Assume the can is open."

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

Read each number out loud....individually..

 

1 1 was a horse

1 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race

1 2 1 1 2

I don't get it

[Blue]

Read each number out loud....individually..

 

1 1 was a horse

1 2 was 1 2

1 1 1 1 race

1 2 1 1 2

I don't get it

 

"One-One" was a horse.

"One-Two" was one, too.

"One-One" won one race.

"One-Two" won one too.

[scott155]

Yay homophones!

[Razor235]

Hmm...

A riddle!

A man walks into a bar. He asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls a gun on him. The man says, "thank you," and leaves. Why did he do this?

[scott155]

It's a water gun?

[Axeldeath]

Because he had hiccups.

[Razor235]

YES! Axeldeath wins a cookie.

[scott155]

A man was driving along the road, not really paying close attention, when he hits the car in front of him. Both him and the other driver were okay, but the damage to the cars was pretty bad. When the driver of the other car steps out, the man sees that he is a midget. The midget walks up to the man and yells, "I am NOT happy!!!" The man just gives him an incredulous look and replies, "Well, which one are you?"

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[Kirkreng]

You see, it is funny because it has to do with sex.

[Kirkreng]

"CoD and whisky - One will destroy your brain cells and should be abolished for all the pain it has caused countless people throughout history. The other is whisky."

[Razor235]

Through which will a ball fall faster: Water at 30°F or water at 60°F? Why?

 

Real joke: Most penguins are black and white.

Old TV shows are also black and white.

Therefore, most penguins are old TV shows.