Joke Thread.

[ProHypster]

I know, but would be funnier if it was the actual latin name... Fe stands for Ferrum! D:

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

But Ferrum = Fe

 

Therefore, Ironman = Female

[ProHypster]

I disagree on your insistence. >>>>>>>>

[davidchatman]

Chuck norris once visited the virgin islands, now they are just the islands

[Brad]

You know you're stupid when you think the D.C. in Washington D.C. means "Da Capitol".

[Blue]

Lead has the symbol Pb. This is because the latin name for lead is plumbum.

 

It is also where we get the word "Plumbing" or "Plumber".

[J.C.]

Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?

A: Quark, quark, quark!

[ProHypster]

Vovochka goes to school one day with an inflated lip.

 

- What's the deal with you?

-We went fishing with my dad and a bee landed on my lip.

- She stung you?

- No, my dad smashed me with a paddle.

[Epsilon]

A couple of Texans got off a plane in Sydney. The one who had been there before was briefing the other one on what to expect: "They're OK, these Aussies, but you'll find they take themselves a bit too seriously sometimes, so you'll have to humor them."

 

"For instance, if they say that Australia is bigger than Texas, you just pretend that you believe 'em!"

[J.C.]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I laughed a bit too hard at that, my insides need surgery.

[Jek Jek Roo]

For LotR fans:

 

Two orcs were walking through the pits of Isengard and one said "Aren’t you afraid of mad-orc disease?" To which the other replied, "Don’t be stupid, I’m a penguin!" { IP IP IP IP IP , My teech}

 

-Gandalf looking into Palantir-

"I knew I should have watched the weather report for snow-deep on Caradras instead of that silly Ricky Lake show..."

 

What did Pippin say when he first came to Fangorn?

"May I ENT-er?"

 

After the visit of Gimli, son of Gloin, the dwarves started coming to Lorien pretty often. Poor Galadriel became bald like a knee..

[Blue]

I thought these gasses were noble

turns out they argon.

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

[J.C.]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

 

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

[J.C.]

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

 

He said okay, you're ugly too.

[Scorpia]

While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.

 

"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

 

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

 

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

 

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

 

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

 

The pilot confirmed that they were.

 

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

 

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

 

 

___________________The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans_________________

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

 

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

 

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

 

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

 

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

 

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

 

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

 

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

 

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

 

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

 

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

 

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

 

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

 

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

 

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

 

16. Bring a bathing suit.

 

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

 

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

 

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

 

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to

 

________________________________________

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

 

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

 

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

 

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

 

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

 

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

 

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

_____________________________

i love aviation jokes.

[J.C.]

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

[ProHypster]

 

What shocks people from different countries....

 

Switzerland - Train was late by 1,5 minutes!!

 

Sweden - Train was late by 30 minutes!!

 

Russia - Train got on time!!

 

Zimbabwe - Train...