Joke Thread.

[Blightmare]

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.

He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."

He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[J.C.]

[Blightmare]

 

I have a friend who got that. Who knew?

[Brad]

I got that and I'm horrible at math.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?". The horse says "I was born with a genetic condition that makes me look like a horse, and I would appreciate it if you didn't make jokes about it.".

[scott155]

A panda walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin........ on the rocks." The bartender says, "What's with the long pause?"

The panda looks at him and says, "Oh, I was born with them."

[BTGBullseye]

[J.C.]

A man is flying in a hot air ballon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

 

"You must be an engineer." says the balloonist.

 

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

 

The man below says "You must be a manager."

 

"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well", says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault."

[scott155]

Did you hear the joke about the successful farmer? Never mind, it's pretty corny.

 

Alternate version

 

Did you hear the joke about the successful dairy farmer? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.

[BTGBullseye]

A man is flying in a hot air ballon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

 

"You must be an engineer." says the balloonist.

 

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

 

The man below says "You must be a manager."

 

"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well", says the man. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault."

+rep x∞

 

(I am pro-engineering, anti-managerial)

[Scorpia]

if this joke is offensive ill delete it immediately upon request, not sure if sexist but its dirty.

 

a very attractive woman walked in a bar, she sat down and ordered a drink, after awhile of staring at her a man sat next to her and said:

 

"you know mam, im psychic, and i can prove it to ya"

 

the blonde replies uninterested:

 

"oh yea hows that?"

 

the man says after touching his forehead:

 

"you're going to get laid tonight"

 

she thought a bit and replied skeptically:

 

"yea and what makes you think that??"

 

he replies:

 

"im stronger than you."

[J.C.]

(I am pro-engineering, anti-managerial)

 

You and me brother. Engineering rules!

Ehn... I guess - rep for you. Il only do it once, still feels weird taking rep points.

[Blue]

Propositions are not for ending sentences with.

[J.C.]

Definition of Time: Time is what allows two objects to occupy the same space.

 

Definition of Space: Space is what allows two objects to exist at the same time.

[BTGBullseye]

butt

female - the body part that every item of clothing ever manufactured makes "look bigger"

male - what you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning

 

commitment

female - a desire to get married and raise a family

male - not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

 

communication

female - the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner

male - scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys

 

entertainment

female - a good movie, concert, play or book

male - anything that can be done while drinking

 

flatulence

female - an embarrassing by-product of digestion

male - an endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding

 

making love

female - the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve

male - call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

 

remote control

female - a device for changing from one TV channel to another

male - a device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes

 

taste

female - something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good

male - something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

 

thingy

female - any part under a car's hood

male - the strap fastener on a woman's bra

 

vulnerable

female - fully opening up oneself emotionally to another

male - playing football without a helmet

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

WOMEN

 

"Yes" - no.

"No" - yes.

"Maybe" - no.

"It's your decision" - The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"What do you want" - You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" - I need to complain.

"Sure, go ahead" - I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" - Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" - I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" - I want a new house.

"I want new curtains" - and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" - I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" - I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" - I did something today that you're really not going to like.

"Is my butt fat?" - Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate" - Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" - Too late, you're dead.

 

MEN

 

"I'm hungry" - I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" - I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" - I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" - I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" - Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage" - I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" - What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" - I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" - Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" - Let's have sex now.

"I love you too" - Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk" - I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" - I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

Women's ads

 

40-ish - 49

adventurer - 1. slept with all your friends 2. has had more partners than you ever will

athletic - flat-chested

average-looking - has a face like a basset hound

beautiful - pathological liar

contagious smile - 1. does a lot of Ecstasy 2. bring your penicillin

educated - 1. banged her political science professor 2. college dropout

emotionally secure - medicated

feminist - fat ballbuster

free spirit - junkie

friendship first - trying to live down reputation as a slut

fun - annoying

gentle - comatose

good listener - borderline autistic

new-age - all body hair, all the time

old-fashioned - lights out, missionary position only, no bjs

open-minded - desperate

outgoing - loud and embarrassing

passionate - sloppy drunk

poet - depressive schizophrenic

professional - certified bitch

redhead - bad dye-job

reubenesque - grossly fat

romantic - looks better by candle light

social - has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray

voluptuous - very fat

weight proportional to height - grossly obese

wants soulmate - stalker

widow - drove first husband to shoot himself

young at heart - old bat

 

Men's ads

 

40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

athletic - watches a lot of NASCAR

average-looking - unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

educated - will patronize the shit out of you

free spirit - banging your sister

friendship first - as long as friendship involves nookie

fun - good with a remote and a six-pack

good-looking - arrogant

very good-looking - dumb as a board

honest - pathological liar

huggable - overweight, more body hair than a bear

likes to cuddle - insecure, dependent

mature - 1. until you get to know him 2. older than your father

open-minded - wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

physically fit - 1. does a lot of 12-ounce curls 2. spends a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself

poet - wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall

sensitive - cries at chick flicks

very sensitive - gay

spiritual - 1. got laid in a cemetery once 2. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

stable - arrested for stalking, but not convicted

thoughtful - says "Please" when demanding a beer

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

Each field of study has its own jargon and, in fact, may even define the same thing in different ways. Here are a few of the different definitions of a thing as simple as a kiss by professors of different fields.

 

Professor of Computer Science

A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

 

Professor of Algebra

A kiss is two divided by nothing.

 

Professor of Geometry

A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

 

Professor of Physics

A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

 

Professor of Chemistry

A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

 

Professor of Zoology

A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

 

Professor of Physiology

A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

 

Professor of Dentistry

A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

 

Professor of Accountancy

A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

 

Professor of Economics

A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

 

Professor of Statistics

A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

 

Professor of Philosophy

A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

 

Professor of English

A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

 

Professor of Engineering

Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

Studentspeak translator for professors

 

Student 1: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "I didn't know you assigned anything."

 

Student 2: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "I didn't know we were to turn it in."

 

Student 3: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "I don't have a book."

 

Student 4: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "I don't have a clue."

 

Student 5: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "I couldn't do the first problem."

 

Student 6: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "There was one problem I couldn't do."

 

Student 7: "I didn't understand the assignment."

Meaning: "Are you sure this course is required for graduation?"

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

Scientific phrases

 

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" - 1. This is the prettiest graph. 2. The best results are shown.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" - Once.

"In case after case" - Twice.

"In a series of cases" - Thrice.

"It is believed that" - I think.

"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1. I don't understand it. 2. I need more grant money. 3. I can get at least one more paper out of this.

"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"Accidentally stained during mounting" - Accidentally dropped on the floor.

"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.

"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.

"The best values were those of Jones" - He was a student of mine.

"It might be argued that" - I have such a good answer for this objection that I want to be sure I get to use it.

"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.

"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.

"It is suggested that" - I wonder if...

"The implications are clear." - The implications are not clear (or I would have specified what they are).

"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that

"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" - Of interest to me"

"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.

"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.

[Jek Jek Roo]

"my dog has no nose"

 

"how does he smell?"

 

"awful"

[Koach]

i heared that in some weird TV program or movie... the joke that killed anyone who read it, so they translated it to german to use it in WWII as the ultimate weapon.

[Dr. Derpy Hooves Ph.D]

I heard that in some weird TV program or movie, There was a joke killed anyone who read it, so they translated it to German to use it in WWII as a weapon.

Sounds like bullsh*t...

Also, grammar fix...

[Jek Jek Roo]

I heard that in some weird TV program or movie, There was a joke killed anyone who read it, so they translated it to German to use it in WWII as a weapon.

Sounds like bullsh*t...

Also, grammar fix...

 

You're talking about Monty Python.

This joke is on my signature. It's good to see nobody had read it yet, so nobody died. I hope ;]

[Lux Arbuckle]

[Blightmare]

I heard that in some weird TV program or movie, There was a joke killed anyone who read it, so they translated it to German to use it in WWII as a weapon.

Sounds like bullsh*t...

Also, grammar fix...

 

You're talking about Monty Python.

This joke is on my signature. It's good to see nobody had read it yet, so nobody died. I hope ;]

I managed to see 2 words of the joke once. It put me in the hospital for weeks.