Joke Thread.

[Brad]

Type some of your favorite jokes here. A word of warning though, although there can be some dark humor don't say anything overly sexist or racist. Keep it civil.

[Eedo Baba]

You're in the barrel... I can't believe he said that.

[Epsilon]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

 

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

 

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

 

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

 

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

 

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

 

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

 

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

 

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

 

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

[Jek Jek Roo]

Scouts are red, spies are blu

in soviet russia... 

Sentry saps you!

 

Why does the sniper doesn't sleep well?

--Because he has to pee every 12 seconds

 

What is the difference between the Axtinguisher and the Kritzkrieg?

-One crits fire and the other fires crits.

 

Yo momma's so ugly, the Demoman bought a second eye patch

 

A spy, a medic, and a heavy, all from the same team got lost while playing on Egypt, and wander around the desert, thristy, and desperate to go home. Suddenly, they find a magic lamp, and a genie comes out (like in Aladin). Anyway, as usual they get 3 wishes, and since they were 3, they decided that each one of them will get one wish.

First the spy:

"I want to get out of here now!!! Take me to Paris!!"

And just like that, the genie teleports the spy to Paris.

Second The Medic:

"This desert is horrible!!! Take me to Berlin!!"

And so the genie teleports the medic to Berlin.

Third and last, the Heavy:

"You took my friends away!!! I want you to bring them back!!".

[Alyxx Thorne]

Two friends were sitting in a bar late one night and had a bit to drink. The other friend, who wasn't known to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, eyed a woman who took a seat a few seats down. He turned to his friend and said: "Wow, what a babe. I'm gonna ask her to come to my place." The friend, who recognized the woman answered: "I know her, you're in bad luck. She's a lesbian." The other friend chuckled. "I don't care if she's a foreigner, she's still hot."

[J.C.]

A plate of bacon and eggs walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve breakfast."

 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

(you may remember this one from an episode of "The Big Bang Theory")

 

An atom says to his friend, "Man, I think I've lost an electron." The friend says "Are you sure?" He answers: "I'm positive!"

[Blue]

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

An engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

[Epsilon]

A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An optimist says the glass is half full.

An engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

 

A realist says it doesn't matter. It's just going to have to be washed later anyway.

 

The FDA says the glass has a design flaw and needs to be sent back to China to be re-engineered.

 

A Republican says, "Who's been drinking out of my glass?"

 

A Zen master picks up the glass and drinks.

 

An opportunist drinks the contents while the other two argue.

 

An accountant wants to know why you're wasting money on a glass that's obviously too large.

 

A physicist says the glass is neither. It is completely full, half with water, the other half with air.

 

An analyst says it is neither; it simply contains 50% of its potential capacity.

Edited June 28, 2011 by Guest (see edit history)

[Srake]

After a school two friends were talking. One friend said to the other, "hey yo wanna know how to make a few quick bucks?" "All you gotta do is go to your Dad and say 'I know the whole truth'" So the kid goes to his Dad and says "I know the whole truth." The dad gives him 50 bucks and tells him not to tell him mother. The Kid goes to his mother and says "I know the whole truth." The mother gives him 50 bucks and say not to tell the father.

The kid leaves his house to spend his $100 and sees the mailman, he thinks 'why not?'. He goes up to the Mailman and says "I know the whole truth." The mailman looks at him smiling with outstretched arms and says, "How about you give your dad a big ol' hug."

[BTGBullseye]

A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!".

[Srake]

A man walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!".

 

I made up that joke...

[Epsilon]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats, he stands up, stretches, and pulls out a gun, shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door, the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up "panda" and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

[BTGBullseye]

Mom's Special Brownie Recipe

 

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

 

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."

 

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

 

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

 

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

 

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ?? cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

 

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

 

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading down the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

 

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

 

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse and call the baker for delivery.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Client Confusion

 

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place.

 

Attorney: "Well, do you have grounds?"

 

Farmer: "Yes, I have about 140 acres."

 

Attorney: "No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?"

 

Farmer: "No, but I have a John Deere."

 

Attorney: "You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?"

 

Farmer: "Yes, sir--thats where I keep my John Deere."

 

Attorney: "No, no! I mean do you have a suit?"

 

Farmer: "Yes, sir--I wear it to church every Sunday."

 

Attorney: "Well, does your wife beat you up?"

 

Farmer: "No, sir. We both get up at 4:30."

 

Attorney: "All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce?"

 

Farmer: "Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful conversation with that woman."

 

 

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Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

 

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much to him, "It's only fair to warn you that I'm a complete and utter golf nut. I eat, sleep and breath golf.... so if that's a problem, you'd better say so right now".

 

"Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

 

"I see," replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

 

 

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Miss America

 

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

 

"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

 

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,

 

"Not very well."

 

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

 

"For one thing," the student said, "She'd be way too old."

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Shopping With Gramma

 

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

 

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

Dad at the Mall

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

 

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find dad staring at him every time. ;

 

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

 

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

 

I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Reaper Jack]

A brunette says to a blonde "Look, a dead bird!" and the blond looks up and says "Where?"

[Epsilon]

A brunette says to a blonde "Look, a dead bird!" and the blond looks up and says "Where?"

 

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

 

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

 

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

[Blightmare]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

 

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

 

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

 

 

I'm probably gonna be kissing a few rep points goodbye for this but I can't help myself.

[Brad]

I said nothing overly sexist or racist, as in anything that could qualify as hate speech or if you were intentionally trying to offend someone. Personally I think the joke is hilarious.

[J.C.]

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate

 

Feathers are light.

The sun gives off light.

Therefore, the sun gives off feathers.

[Blue]

"Now, folks, uh… this is the captain... ummmm... We've got a little ol' red light up here on the control panel that's tryin' to tell us that the landin' gears're not... uh... lockin' into position when we lower 'em... Now... I don't believe that little ol' red light knows what it's talkin' about—I believe it's that little ol' red light that iddn' workin' right. But... I guess to play it by the rules, we oughta humor that little ol' light… so we're gonna take her down to about, oh, two or three hundred feet over the runway at Kennedy, and the folks down there on the ground are gonna see if they caint give us a visual inspection of those ol' landin' gears and if I'm right... they're gonna tell us everything is copacetic all the way aroun' an' we'll jes take her on in."

 

"Well, folks, those folks down there on the ground—it must be too early for 'em or somethin'—I 'spect they still got the sleepers in their eyes... 'cause they say they caint tell if those ol' landin' gears are all the way down or not... But, you know, up here in the cockpit we're convinced they're all the way down, so we're jes gonna take her on in... And oh, while we take a little swing out over the ocean an' empty some of that surplus fuel we're not gonna be needin' anymore — that's what you might be seein' comin' out of the wings — our lovely little ladies... if they'll be so kind... they're gonna go up and down the aisles and show you how we do what we call 'assumin' the position'."

 

This is an actual quote from Chuck Yeager, unnecessarily and amiably informing the passengers of an airliner that the landing gear had not entirely locked into position, leading to a fuel dump and emergency landing.

[Epsilon]

Blue, at first I thought you were just quoting a stereotypical Southerner, then I read "This is an actual quote from Chuck Yeager, unnecessarily and amiably informing the passengers of an airliner that the landing gear had not entirely locked into position, leading to a fuel dump and emergency landing."

 

It's tough being a politician; half your reputation is ruined by lies, and the other half is ruined by the truth!