The level of thought you've put into this is astounding. Most people think "mouse for computer" and don't bother with all the specifics, but your method of thinking is spot-on. I'll admit, all I look for in a new mouse is "working buttons, working scroll wheel and overall functionality". I've never used one with side buttons or anything like that.... and by no means do I think this was a waste of your time. You outlined what your ideal new mouse should feature in a clear, concise manner.
I sincerely hope you can, in fact, find a new mouse that fits all the criteria you've listed.
(I'm guessing trackballs aren't your thing, since you never mentioned them in the graphic....)