Ego and Morality

[Heliocentrical]

I've been really wanted to talk about ego for quite sometime now and how it's affected me personally. Before, I didn't quite have the words I was looking for to describe ego. But now I think I do. So let me give you some context.

 

I've done a variety of jobs volunteering over the course of a few years. Only just recently I began to ask myself "Why am I helping?". The reason I asked this question was because there's been what I can only describe as a "shift" in terms of how I feel about the work that I'm doing and whether it's genuine or not. The answer I found wasn't the straight forward "Because it's good to help people", oh no it was much darker than that. Sure that's how it felt when I initially started but it didn't last. My answer was "Because I hate ineptitude.". Then reality sank in and it hit me like a truck.

 

I've been unconsciously hating everyone that I've ever helped and how I coped with that hatred was by helping them. In my mind I was succeeding where they have failed and was purging them of their failure. As you can imagine this built up my ego quite a bit. It's as if I was a righteous crusader trying to purge the damned. It didn't matter if they were old, homeless or mentally unstable. In my mind they were all failures and they had to be cleansed of their sins. As I continued to Volunteer this sense of superiority grew, to a point where it was primal for me to pass judgements like that.

 

I couldn't help but draw parallels to the Nazis. To me it didn't matter that I helped people whereas they killed and tortured people. If such notions can do evil just as easily good then I want no part in it. I felt morally the only thing I could do was stop and I haven't volunteered since. I didn't like what volunteering had brought out in me. If action alone is what separates me from the absolute scum of this Earth then that is the thinnest fucking line I've ever seen. Actions are defined by culture. The Nazis believed what they were doing was absolute good through superiority so what makes my intent any different? That feeling of superiority is still the same no matter who's hands it's in.

[BTGBullseye]

At least you realized what your reasons are... Now the issue is if you can realize that you need to find a way to change your motivations.

[Vapymid]

Comparing yourself to Nazis is premature and unnecessary... None of us is a perfect alrtuist and there is a degree of selfishness in everything we are doing. Be it in seeking approval and recognition for your good deeds or in self-satisafaction and pride or in something else.

 

Sometimes - quite often - people get carried away and then usually something happens that puts them down to earth - the saying "pride comes before a fall" is there for a reason. But sometimes people are capable of checking their pride on their own - by recognising it in themselves, like you did.

 

And when you do recognise your pride - you can fight it.

 

So, the next time you catch yourself thinking of your superiority whlile helping others - just remind yourself how ridiculous such thoughts are and how pathetic a human being who lets himself believe in that would appear to others. Think about the things you yourself cannot do and where you would need to rely on someone else's help. That will quickly humble you down.

 

So - no need to stop your volunteering work.

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

no need to stop your volunteering work.

You see I've sorta shot myself in the foot in this regard. While I did stop due to my own conscious I had to provide a reason for wanting to stop early to my supervisor. I told him everything and now I can't go back because he doesn't want my toxicity affecting everyone else working even though I've never openly expressed it. So yeah I'm screwed.

[Heliocentrical]

Well time for more ego again. I've came to the conclusion that I'm straight but I'm in denial about it. Why? Well firstly it has to do with the fact that I could live without ever having a partner. That's been the primary motivator for me believing that I was asexual. The idea that I could live without something that most of the human population couldn't has given me this sense of great independence. It felt amazing like nothing could hold me back. As you can imagine this little revelation of mine was an incredibly crushing one at that. I'm left feeling disappointed in myself for not being as great as I thought I was. That I can't live without this void that my brain has itself put there? That's not my choice and I don't want it to be there but my brain says otherwise. I can't help but feel like my brain is holding me back from doing more important/enjoyable things rather than hunting down a partner for who knows how many goddamn years. This is not the way I like to look at myself and vehemently refuse acknowledge what is being done against my will. I don't care how much false pain I have to endure I will endure it for my own sake. I will not lose my identity to something this disgustingly primal.

 

Sorry about the ramble. I'm pretty angry and split on this issue. Complying with what my brain wants effective destroys what I've built up for so many years and I'm not okay with that.

[Vapymid]

Hehe... welcome to the club!

 

I'll buy you a beer whenever we meet, man...

 

You will find that - when you meet that special woman in your life - your feelings will outweigh and sweep away any self-servient illusions you may have had of that asexuality were somehow superior to what most of us mere mortals live with...

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

Again it's something that I've built up in my mind for many years until it was as tall as a skyscraper and as impenetrable as a fortress. I don't know if I can get down from the heights my fear, paranoia, anger, hatred and of course ego. I am so mentally fucked.

[Vapymid]

I am so fucked.

 

Not yet... But you will be - and that's not such a bad thing, really

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

Damn it that's not what I meant.

[Vapymid]

Oh, sorry - I must have caught your quote before the edit... But, anyway - you are just thinking too much about this. When the time comes - you will let her into your heart and there will be nothing to think about - it will all be done for you by your hormones and instincts... Suddenly, all your self-flagellant doubts will seem to disappear and your whole world will reorient itself...

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

Oh, sorry - I must have caught your quote before the edit... But, anyway - you are just thinking too much about this. When the time comes - you will let her into your heart and there will be nothing to think about - it will all be done for you by your hormones and instincts... Suddenly, all your self-flagellant doubts will seem to disappear and your whole world will reorient itself...

That's the other thing, does "she" even exist? I can't imagining myself being drawn to another person in the way you're describing. Mostly because I hate people in general. My heart doesn't seem open at all to be honest.

[Vapymid]

Oh, there are 3.5 billion women in the world... Assume just 20% of them are of the age suitable for you - that's 700 million... Do you think there won't be one or two your heart wouldn't melt to?

 

Regards

[Descriptor]

Oh, there are 3.5 billion women in the world... Assume just 20% of them are of the age suitable for you - that's 700 million... Do you think there won't be one or two your heart wouldn't melt to?

 

Regards

To be fair, though, there's also the matter of geography. Assuming that these age-suitable women are spread evenly over the land area of the Earth, that leaves only ~12 potential mates per square mile, or ~95,300 lucky(?) ladies within 50 miles.

And of course, since people generally aren't evenly distributed over the Earth for some bizarre reason (nor do they tend to be perfect cylinders, frustratingly enough), these numbers may be better or worse depending on location. Still a lot, but not a full 700 mil.

 

All that being said, though, the real limiting factor that I've always found is that, at least in terms of where I always end up, most folks are already in relationships, which takes a lot of folks out of the running. For instance, when I went to college, it was at an engineering school, so the demographics weren't exactly in my favour. Or like now, I'm living in the south (because engineering job, believe it or not), and everybody my age is already married for some miserable reason, so yeah....

I don't know if I was trying to make a point here. I think I mostly just wanted to make a silly mathematical analysis...

[Heliocentrical]

Do you think there won't be one or two your heart wouldn't melt to?

Yeah exactly, how many years would it take for me to find that one? Those years spent are what scare me. Oh look I've just spent 7 years trying to look for the girl of my dreams instead doing something more productive/interesting like programming. How much of that time spent adds up to something?

 

What if my work is my GF in a way? I'm overly attached to it, constantly giving it a ton of attention and I don't want to leave it for something else.

[Descriptor]

Do you think there won't be one or two your heart wouldn't melt to?

Yeah exactly, how many years would it take for me to find that one? Those years spent are what scare me. Oh look I've just spent 7 years trying to look for the girl of my dreams instead doing something more productive/interesting like programming. How much of that time spent adds up to something?

 

What if my work is my GF in a way? I'm overly attached to it, constantly giving it a ton of attention and I don't want to leave it for something else.

Well jeez, it's not like you'd be spending every waking moment on it. Just, like, some. Don't think of it like a job, think of it like recreation. Going and meeting people and stuff (as miserable as that sounds).

 

Or you could try the online dating, not that it's helped me at all. That speeds things up a bit. Or at the very least, it would make you so cynical that you stop caring about it. Whatever works, you know?

[Jeb_CC]

I mean, even if all the women are spread out over the world, there's still a chance of finding a lover on the internet. Apparently 3.2 billion people have access to the internet in the world. So assuming it's all 50/50 with men and women, that's 1.6 billion women on the internet. So most definitely you might be able to find a girl on the internet. But even if that's not your thing, 95,300 is still a fuck load of ladies. XD And fun fact, more than half the population of the US are single. So just think of all the other countries. My advice would be to just look for a friend more than look for a partner. Cause generally that friend turns into a partner quite quickly - as long as your friendship is decent. And it can't be that hard to make friends. Come on. You've been doing it all your life. Just do it some more now!

[Heliocentrical]

it would make you so cynical that you stop caring about it. Whatever works, you know?

I think it's pretty safe to say I already am. I'm under the impression that finding someone is completely unrealistic and even if I did they're probably looking to cheat me out of money or something. I don't have any good faith in this if I'm being perfectly honest. What I don't appreciate is that despite me knowing all of this and being skeptical as all hell my brain's primal instincts have decided that they're going to make these decisions for me and that going through all this asinine BS would be a worthwhile thing to do for whatever reason. Then they make me feel bad when I choose not to listen to them. Cognitive dissonance is fun.

 

My advice would be to just look for a friend more than look for a partner. Cause generally that friend turns into a partner quite quickly - as long as your friendship is decent. And it can't be that hard to make friends. Come on. You've been doing it all your life. Just do it some more now!

God I miss having IRL friends, they all moved away so I'm all by myself in the middle of nowhere. I've been feeling so alienated and frustrated since then because the people I could talk to aren't anywhere near on the same level as me. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so sensitive to this stuff lately. I think I'm going to try and take a breather for a bit. I'm practically fucking hysterical at this point.

[Descriptor]

it would make you so cynical that you stop caring about it. Whatever works, you know?

I think it's pretty safe to say I already am. I'm under the impression that finding someone is completely unrealistic and even if I did they're probably looking to cheat me out of money or something. I don't have any good faith in this if I'm being perfectly honest. What I don't appreciate is that despite me knowing all of this and being skeptical as all hell my brain's primal instincts have decided that they're going to make these decisions for me and that going through all this asinine BS would be a worthwhile thing to do for whatever reason. Then they make me feel bad when I choose not to listen to them. Cognitive dissonance is fun.

I dunno, that does sound a bit too cynical. You have to imagine that most other people are just trying to satisfy the same urge for companionship as you are. Money stuff tends to evolve more over time as circumstances come up, but even then, sometimes you just have to take that chance. Getting close to someone will always put you in a vulnerable position, but it may still be worth it. Not that I'm necessarily good at taking that advice myself, either... But I can definitely empathize with that feeling of never finding someone to open up to. Although in my case, the reasons are different, of course.

 

My advice would be to just look for a friend more than look for a partner. Cause generally that friend turns into a partner quite quickly - as long as your friendship is decent. And it can't be that hard to make friends. Come on. You've been doing it all your life. Just do it some more now!

God I miss having IRL friends, they all moved away so I'm all by myself in the middle of nowhere. I've been feeling so alienated and frustrated since then because the people I could talk to aren't anywhere near on the same level as me. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so sensitive to this stuff lately. I think I'm going to try and take a breather for a bit. I'm practically fucking hysterical at this point.

Having moved to a new city about a year ago, and not knowing anyone else here ahead of time, I can totally know what your talking about. Being in such a new place away from most everyone I know can drive me a bit stir crazy too. Having recently gone back home for a week really did a lot to buoy my spirits, though. Maybe you should do that same. Get back in touch with your roots for a bit, you know?

It's weird, having left school, it's been very difficult for me to find new friends outside of work. It's pretty difficult, I guess, since most folks here have already established themselves into their own cliques, so it's hard to break in to those groups. Plus, I admit that I also tend to have trouble liking a lot of people these days. I've become to sensitive to alienation from others, I guess. Makes me miss college, kinda, not that I can recapture that anymore, either....

[BTGBullseye]

Ok, so I can tell you that it definitely doesn't get better over time... Been around 3 years since my last non-internet friend outside a church setting, and only a handful of people total (including online) that even come close to my mental capabilities. I have been unemployed for over 2 years. I have 0 job prospects at this time. I am 29 years old.

 

I still hold out hope for a future bride... If I can do it, so can you.

[GolfClubNinja]

gotta get out my writing pad and a pencil, better take notes on this stuff from people a decade older than me! not that it will apply anytime soon, i'm aspy af and not in shape (as of now), still can't hurt to take notes from people who i will be quite similar to.