Useless Walkthrough Game

[Selfsurprise]

^ (British forum goers might remember this) ;3

 

~

 

Admittedly inspired by the marvellous Useless Advice thread, in this game users take it in turns to post challenging spot from any game they can think of, a difficult puzzle, an adventure game conundrum, a hard-as-nails boss or even just a tricky platforming section. So long as its from a real life computer game it's fine. The next user then has to offer up the least helpful and/or insane solution to it that they can muster up. In fact the query you ask needn't be a particularly difficult part of the game, you might just want to ask it for a laugh.

 

For example, if I asked "how do I up get up the elevator shaft in Half-Life's office complex?" the next user might say, "don't go up! take a headlong dive into the shaft. At the bottom a conveniently placed bouncy castle will cushion your landing, upon which you'll see a door that leads straight out of Black Mesa. That's the end of the game." You got the gist of the game?

 

How do I solve the coin puzzle in Silent Hill 2?

[Binky The Rabbit]

Find the nearest vending machine, and smash it open. Out of all the hundreds of coins, there should be some that fit, surely!

 

 

How do I survive the final shift in Five Nights At Freddy's?

[Malhek]

Bring a generator and some fuel.

 

I keep getting my ass handed to me by these stoopid Kleer Skeletons on Serious Sam. Am i not serious enough?

[Psychotic Ninja]

No, here's the thing, it's misleading. You're being tooserious. You've got to be loony, go crazy, have fun.

 

 

How do I defeat the first Big Daddy in Bioshock?

[Selfsurprise]

Approach one of the phones in Rapture, you should see a hotline for child protection services. Make up something scurrilous about his parenting and move on.

 

How do I stop Dogmeat from blatantly running into mines when playing Fallout 4?

[Scampi]

Equip the Leash.

 

I keep getting back-stabbed in Team Fortress 2. Help me!

[Psychotic Ninja]

A taunt like the Conga befriends all and ends backstabbing.

 

 

Help! Aeris keeps on dying, is there anything I can do to prevent this?

[Selfsurprise]

Make sure you don't run out of Phoenix Downs... :3

 

I'm near the end of the first God Of War game and I can't get up those rotating knife pillars in Hades. Any tips?

[danielsangeo]

Slather your character in butter. A gigantic Paula Deen will appear and grab you and take you past the pillars, leaving you more than slightly moist.

 

What is the best way to navigate the hanging crate puzzle in Half-Life? I keep dying on that puzzle over and over again and I've taken to no-clipping past it every time. How best do I pass that legitimately?

[Gehennas]

Find the executive in charge of the box smashing room and ask him to move the boxes to make jumps easier.

 

 

 

I can't S-Rank/Revengeance Difficulty/No Damage Jetstream Sam in Metal Gear Rising. He just keeps screwing me every time with something and i don't know what i'm doing wrong.

[PriestOfJudas]

Enter the codec 108.66. It summons Gas Snake to help you out in difficult times.

 

How do I beat the two Centaur bosses in Brutal Doom? They have crazy splash damage and I can't dodge them for the life of me.

[Selfsurprise]

Tell them that Centaurs are supposed to be neutral good, they should immediately regret their actions and cease attacking you.

 

No matter how many times I try to shoot Nemesis in Resident Evil 3, he just won't die! What am I doing wrong?

[Binky The Rabbit]

You're doing exactly what he wants you to do, and therefore he will always win.

 

Instead, put down your gun, put your hands up, and ask to take him to the cinema, or to a fine restaurant. Maybe even a football match. He is your nemesis - make him your best friend.

 

 

How do I defeat the T-Rex in the original Tomb Raider?

[Malhek]

Prove that dinosaurs had feathers. Then it will either dissapear or gain the ability to fly.

 

Black Dragon Kalameet keeps kicking my ass, even when hes grounded by Hawkeye Gough, what should i do?

[BTGBullseye]

Die. It solves all problems in the Dark Souls universe.

 

I need to improve my framerate to beat the last boss in Assassin's Creed 4, but I've already set everything to minimum settings. How do I beat him?

[Binky The Rabbit]

Coat your CPU with Cheetah blood, then crank the framerate to 180fps.

 

 

I'm having trouble sneaking past the Slytherin prefects in Harry Potter and The Chamber Of Secrets. How do I keep them from noticing me?

[Selfsurprise]

Have Ron and Harry put the wands down, and compel them beat the living crap out of Draco thus usurping him as the school's primary big-dick. They can now jointly rule the roost at Hogwarts and start listening to hardcore grime music and flashing gang signs at one another.

 

I was playing Ape Escape on the PS1 and one of the apes caught me with my own net. Am I doing something wrong?

[Binky The Rabbit]

(Ok, time for scary coincidence. Before settling on the Harry Potter one, I was going to mention that exact game.)

 

Actually, that's the plot twist. It turns out 'Ape Escape' literally refers to a single ape - YOU. And in fact Spectre was trying to recapture you as you sought to defeat him!

 

 

I'm on the final level of Tony Hawk's Underground and I can't tear up Eric's best line!

[Selfsurprise]

You're going about it all wrong. Eric's best line is an arrangement of tricks required to navigate a preordained set of details in a preordained location. It cannot be torn up, anymore than yesterday can be ripped to pieces or the horizon can be sheared in twain. Tear the game's manual up instead.

 

I'm trying to play PaRappa The Rapper, but no matter how hard or fast I try to touch the symbols on the screen nothing happens. I'm not even holding the pad! Any advice would be appreciated.

 

(Ok, time for scary coincidence. Before settling on the Harry Potter one, I was going to mention that exact game.)

[/cue X-Files theme song] :3

 

But in all seriousness, that is peculiarly remote chance occurrence. Don't ask me where I plucked that game from, I just needed a question for this thread.

[Psychotic Ninja]

 

I'm trying to play PaRappa The Rapper, but no matter how hard or fast I try to touch the symbols on the screen nothing happens. I'm not even holding the pad! Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 

*facepalms* You idiot! You're supposed to connect your Kinect to your PS1 (trust me, it'll work) and do the dance moves yourself.

 

 

Help! How do I beat the Arkham Knight? He keeps on sniping me! I swear the computer's a cheating bastard.