Share your feelings!

[Jeb_CC]

I can't usually buy stuff for other people. But when I can, and when I do, nothing makes me happier. It's like... giving stuff to people makes me happier than receiving stuff. Gave my Guild mate a bunch of in-game money (but was quite a lot...) to help him buy something he wanted and I just loved his reaction so much, did it without telling him, just let him find it in his mailbox. Just hearing the muttering quiet "what..." and the speechlessness that followed... that made my entire day, I think. So...

OT: Nice.

 

@Username: You are perfectly good enough, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Heliocentrical]

Drained and depressed, over the course of several hours my normally enthusiastic nature regarding video games has all but dissipated. It started out simple enough with me riled up about the AAA gaming and gradually spiraled downward from there. I kept pulling apart the shitty flaws the games industry has and by the end I just wanted everything to burn. I'll probably get over it as I usually do but right now I feel pretty venomous and shitty. How do you go from mild cynicism to wanting to destroy the thing you cared for and treasured so deeply?

[Reverend_UshankaCat_]

A bit hung over, not awful, but I'd still prefer being sober.

[Kirkreng]

I can't usually buy stuff for other people. But when I can, and when I do, nothing makes me happier. It's like... giving stuff to people makes me happier than receiving stuff. Gave my Guild mate a bunch of in-game money (but was quite a lot...) to help him buy something he wanted and I just loved his reaction so much, did it without telling him, just let him find it in his mailbox. Just hearing the muttering quiet "what..." and the speechlessness that followed... that made my entire day, I think. So...

It's such a rush, giving people stuff. It's addictive.

[TheTron852]

Recently I started to become more and more frustrated at things, like bugs in games that interrupt gameplay, or people's misunderstanding of words (or their conscious twisting of those words' meaning). What's worse is that because of my upbringing, I rarely raise my voice, unless I'm hanging out with friends or playing a game with them, and even then it's only sometimes. Simply put: I am subconsciously afraid to do things like screaming, because I don't want to annoy people that live above or below me (I live in apartment). That said, I have next to no idea how to deal with this frustration, and violent video games don't help.

 

If anyone have been in a similar situation, how do you deal with this?

[Jeb_CC]

@TheTron852:

Just throw pillows fucking everywhere. Thwack it hard against the bed or ground. Or the wall! Scream into it, then throw it. Or just use it as a greatsword. Bite, growl, then throw. It helps.

[TheTron852]

Just throw pillows fucking everywhere. Thwack it hard against the bed or ground. Or the wall! Scream into it, then throw it. Or just use it as a greatsword. Bite, growl, then throw. It helps.

I'll try.

*does just that, except biting and growling*

...Okay, I'm feeling a bit better now. Thanks!

[Heliocentrical]

Alien and distant, I've joined other gaming based forums like this one to see if I have any common grounds with other people and can relate to them through gaming. I realized that doesn't work at all. Once I got down to specifics such as skill levels, preferences and the video games themselves I eventually realized I couldn't possibly be anymore different from everyone on this forum. Outside of the love for gaming I feel like can't truly relate my thoughts to anyone because they aren't on the same level as I am. Most people are moderate when it comes to gaming and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm nonetheless worlds apart from most people and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm an obsessive scholar stuck in his ivory tower desperately clawing his way out in the hopes of knowing that he isn't alone in this world. But the outside isn't meant for his kind and he feels this in every fiber of his being.

[Heliocentrical]

Pretty shitty, I won an argument on the internet today, except I didn't win anything and burned a bridge in the process. I want to be a nice/good person but at some point I always snap and devolve right back where to I started. It's like I'm stuck being a jerk despite wanting to improve and my efforts to fight it.

[rairii]

Alien and distant, I've joined other gaming based forums like this one to see if I have any common grounds with other people and can relate to them through gaming. I realized that doesn't work at all. Once I got down to specifics such as skill levels, preferences and the video games themselves I eventually realized I couldn't possibly be anymore different from everyone on this forum. Outside of the love for gaming I feel like can't truly relate my thoughts to anyone because they aren't on the same level as I am. Most people are moderate when it comes to gaming and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm nonetheless worlds apart from most people and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm an obsessive scholar stuck in his ivory tower desperately clawing his way out in the hopes of knowing that he isn't alone in this world. But the outside isn't meant for his kind and he feels this in every fiber of his being.

i feel like you've fallen victim to the dunning-kruger effect

open yourself up to self-criticism and be less critical of others

 

Pretty shitty, I won an argument on the internet today, except I didn't win anything and burned a bridge in the process. I want to be a nice/good person but at some point I always snap and devolve right back where to I started. It's like I'm stuck being a jerk despite wanting to improve and my efforts to fight it.

cutting all the negative influences out of your life helps tremendously

i've done that very recently and despite strong feelings of loneliness i feel like my self control has improved and i feel much less depressed

[Heliocentrical]

i feel like you've fallen victim to the dunning-kruger effect

open yourself up to self-criticism and be less critical of others

I don't know what more I can do. I recognize that I am a jerk and I've been trying to fight it. It's just that fighting it doesn't seem to fix it

 

cutting all the negative influences out of your life helps tremendously

i've done that very recently and despite strong feelings of loneliness i feel like my self control has improved and i feel much less depressed

Well the negative influences in my life are also positive influences. Take video games for instance, there's the shitty video game publisher side that treats developers badly, shuts down online only games permanently, chops up parts of games into DLC and rushes developers. Yet there's the developer side which showcases just how artistic game design can be at times and the way a game is designed tells you a story about how the developers made their game. I think I might be fixated on hating the former and not giving enough attention to the latter. Come to think of it that's how I view most things. I see the negative first and my hatred for the negative makes me forget the positive.

[Meelis13]

Im starting to run out of, well, everything. Im falling more into depression as days go on, im becoming increasingly paranoid and i find it hard to trust people, especially the case with my own family members (and the thing is, i really want to trust people). Worst thing about that- its often justified. every single time i've trusted them with something (especially their promises) or asked for their help (and i really need it right now), its only gone badly for me... as if everything i do lately doesnt go to s**t anyways... which it does...

still, they dont mean bad, but thing about meaning well is that you can mean well, but if your "help" does more damage than it helps, it doesnt count for heck. And here is how my family members think its best to "help" me- mock me at every damn chance, shout at me, ridicule me, every time i am close to making anything positive, talk me out of it (and i am such a fool i let them). I've been emotional punching bag for every member of my family all my friking life, every time someone has bad mood- just vent yourself on me (case in point- few minutes ago my brother called me just to shout at me).. and of course i try to do even small venting, you can imagine what happens.

and the fact that im unemployed since start of the summer doesnt help much either (i quit so i could get job in my field (IT).. of course it ended to not happen). Every time something positive happens to me, immideatly there has to be 10 times worse thing happen..

all that has piled up way too much on me. Im getting increasingly anxious, my temper grows shorter (to the point of where im close to exploding) and i spontanousely bust crying (this is very new thing to me, like last month or so). Very randomly- sometimes in night, sometimes even in middle of street (where im barely managing to hold it back).

 

and worst thing is that i dont have a clue what to do about any of it...

[Heliocentrical]

Im starting to run out of, well, everything. Im falling more into depression as days go on, im becoming increasingly paranoid and i find it hard to trust people, especially the case with my own family members (and the thing is, i really want to trust people). Worst thing about that- its often justified. every single time i've trusted them with something (especially their promises) or asked for their help (and i really need it right now), its only gone badly for me... as if everything i do lately doesnt go to s**t anyways... which it does...

still, they dont mean bad, but thing about meaning well is that you can mean well, but if your "help" does more damage than it helps, it doesnt count for heck. And here is how my family members think its best to "help" me- mock me at every damn chance, shout at me, ridicule me, every time i am close to making anything positive, talk me out of it (and i am such a fool i let them). I've been emotional punching bag for every member of my family all my friking life, every time someone has bad mood- just vent yourself on me (case in point- few minutes ago my brother called me just to shout at me).. and of course i try to do even small venting, you can imagine what happens.

and the fact that im unemployed since start of the summer doesnt help much either (i quit so i could get job in my field (IT).. of course it ended to not happen). Every time something positive happens to me, immideatly there has to be 10 times worse thing happen..

all that has piled up way too much on me. Im getting increasingly anxious, my temper grows shorter (to the point of where im close to exploding) and i spontanousely bust crying (this is very new thing to me, like last month or so). Very randomly- sometimes in night, sometimes even in middle of street (where im barely managing to hold it back).

 

and worst thing is that i dont have a clue what to do about any of it...

My suggestion would be to start building a mental shield to protect yourself. Shut them off at every given opportunity, stop answer emails, calls, anything that allows them to continue communicating with you. If you're not in a position to do that then let them say whatever it is they're going to say but don't let it affect you personally. Ideally you shouldn't even register what they say if you can help it. What's important is that you know that you have control over your life and they don't. Most instances you cannot prevent from happening but you can mitigate the pain they cause to a point where you won't feel it.

[Meelis13]

My suggestion would be to start building a mental shield to protect yourself. Shut them off at every given opportunity, stop answer emails, calls, anything that allows them to continue communicating with you. If you're not in a position to do that then let them say whatever it is they're going to say but don't let it affect you personally. Ideally you shouldn't even register what they say if you can help it. What's important is that you know that you have control over your life and they don't. Most instances you cannot prevent from happening but you can mitigate the pain they cause to a point where you won't feel it.

but thats just it- thats the problem. I have that shield and i have maintained it, but its crumbling faster than i can build it.

I cant ignore them because until i find job, im simply forced to live in family home, that others visit at their whim. Never pleasant that. Not to mention that they constantly threaten (and in past have) take my stuff, that i bought with my own earned money if i dont do whatever they want. My main concern is my PC, as i wouldnt simply afford to replace it, should they decide to take that (wouldnt be first time). And that is extremely important part of, well, my life really. In here, you simply do not find IT jobs offline (meaning walking to front door and asking for job is not working- especially if you live hours away from potential employers), so you have to constantly investigate every thread you can think of, plus i have ton of ongoing projects here (that i cant talk about, but in long term they should be something great- i backup them, but thats when i remember, so depending on day, it could be 10+hours of work gone). Not to mention good place to unwind via games & such (trust me, without that part, i'd soon lose it). Oh and also its first bigger (as in more than 500 euros) buy i bought with my own money (i.e not loan). while i do spend lot time on pc, its not majority of day though

So now every damn time i have to go somewhere, i have that bloody threat lingering back of my head. Meaning im so paranoid at this point that if i have to go somewhere i have to make mental chart of is anyone likely to come by when im gone. I realise this is too much, but i cant help it. i prefer to be paranoid than to fight long & hard to get my property back- if at all.

As for not registering what they say, again, not simply possible. See, i cant help but caring for other people. Even as much that no matter how i try, i cant NOT have others words affect me. Believe me, i've tried.

 

And this is where i start to lose hope. I feel i have absolutely no control over my life. This is why i want to get job, to get control back to my life, but nobody hires fresh out of school IT tech it seems...

[Heliocentrical]

but thats just it- thats the problem. I have that shield and i have maintained it, but its crumbling faster than i can build it.

I cant ignore them because until i find job, im simply forced to live in family home, that others visit at their whim. Never pleasant that. Not to mention that they constantly threaten (and in past have) take my stuff, that i bought with my own earned money if i dont do whatever they want. My main concern is my PC, as i wouldnt simply afford to replace it, should they decide to take that (wouldnt be first time). And that is extremely important part of, well, my life really. In here, you simply do not find IT jobs offline (meaning walking to front door and asking for job is not working- especially if you live hours away from potential employers), so you have to constantly investigate every thread you can think of, plus i have ton of ongoing projects here (that i cant talk about, but in long term they should be something great- i backup them, but thats when i remember, so depending on day, it could be 10+hours of work gone). Not to mention good place to unwind via games & such (trust me, without that part, i'd soon lose it). Oh and also its first bigger (as in more than 500 euros) buy i bought with my own money (i.e not loan). while i do spend lot time on pc, its not majority of day though

So now every damn time i have to go somewhere, i have that bloody threat lingering back of my head. Meaning im so paranoid at this point that if i have to go somewhere i have to make mental chart of is anyone likely to come by when im gone. I realise this is too much, but i cant help it. i prefer to be paranoid than to fight long & hard to get my property back- if at all.

Have you considered hiding your PC? See if you can find any areas of your house that are well concealed and where people wouldn't think look for it. Then see if there's anyway to route power over to that area. It might be a bit cramped and you won't be able to visit your PC often as to not give away it's new location. But it is a start.

 

As for not registering what they say, again, not simply possible. See, i cant help but caring for other people. Even as much that no matter how i try, i cant NOT have others words affect me. Believe me, i've tried.

That's the reason why your shield is crumbling. The less you can think of these people as your "caring family" or even as people the stronger your shield will be because you put distance mentally between you and them. Believe me reality warrants a bit of necessary Sociopathy . They won't mean a damn thing to you once you do that and at that point you're practically invulnerable. Just because they're related to you by blood doesn't mean anything and the notion of a "caring family" is a complete misnomer. If they're treating you as badly as you say they are then they don't actually care for you and if they say they do then they're lying through their teeth.

[Vapymid]

That's the reason why your shield is crumbling. The less you can think of these people as your "caring family" or even as people the stronger your shield will be because you put distance mentally between you and them. Believe me reality warrants a bit of necessary Sociopathy . They won't mean a damn thing to you once you do that and at that point you're practically invulnerable.

 

@Meelis13 - No. Just no. You just can't run away from yourself - no "shield" will ever help, will only make it worse.

 

Stop taking every bad thing happening to you, every word of criticism or every mistake, as the proof that you are a failure. That is what puts you down and drives you into tears and misery. It's the thought that all that mockery and criticism may actually be true that hurts you, right?

 

Shit happens to everyone - including to your family members. They snap occasionally and take out their frustrations on you. Not fair? Maybe, or maybe not...

 

Put yourself in their shoes - they have their own problems and priorities and they see solutions in their own ways. They are frustrated when they think you reject their short term "fix" that they know would work and don't see an immediate payback from your chosen alternatives.

 

All you gave them for now is "trust me". And that is a tall order when your family is trying to make ends meet. So - give them a little slack too. They have their good reasons to be nervous and fear of your failure.

 

But it's your life, first of all, and you've made your decision and you stuck to it. Now you just do what you set out to do and don't - under any cicumstances - let yourself believe you are a failure. Because then you will be - and they will be proven right.

 

You have already shown you are made of tougher stuff than many - giving up on an easy solution and sticking to your guns. Remember that before you allow yourself to sink in your self-misery.

 

But also - look outside of your comfort zone. It's really a crap time for being an inexperienced IT consultant. Maybe you need to see what else you can do in the meantime, while still keeping your dream alive. There is no shame in that. The shame is only in giving up on yourself.

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

Stop taking every bad thing happening to you, every word of criticism or every mistake, as the proof that you are a failure. That is what puts you down and drives you into tears and misery. It's the thought that all that mockery and criticism may actually be true that hurts you, right?

That's basically what I said with my shield metaphor. Ideally you shouldn't take anything personally because then it can't hurt you. Personal investment is one of mankind's greatest downfalls because not only does doing so achieve nothing if it's constructive criticism then it harms an potential progress of the overall conversation for improvement.

[Vapymid]

But there will be no incentive to improve if you disregard everything said about you personally. You would not be moved by criticism, nor rewarded by praise.

 

Absolutism doesn't work with people - nothing is black and white in analogue real world. What you need to do is seek an appropriate balance without slipping to either extreme of the scale.

 

In the situation of Meelis it is easy to be overwhelmed by self-doubt, but disregarding criticism is not going to protect him, because every new real set-back (and they will still be happening) will break through that "protection" and serve as further proof that everything is wrong and nothing good can happen, just as they all say.

 

The result will be despair and depression and then a real failure.

 

To maintain objectivity and protect his emotional state he needs to listen and analyse and question and validate things constantly. He needs to maintain confidence in his ability to make the right decision and then he won't be so afected by the criticism. And not be afraid to change his mind if the situation warrants - not as the result of pressure from others but by his own decision.

 

Regards

 

P.S. Ultimately it's the difference between saying "I can only accept myself if I get into the career I want in IT" or "to be in IT would be really nice but if anything else can be made to work - that will do too".

[Heliocentrical]

Yeah, since Meelis is actually suffering from Depression whereas I've never been in my entire life means I'm not to be able to relate to his situation and give him the proper advice he needs. I often wonder if I shouldn't say anything when in the presence of a Depressed person because by offering it I might be making they're situation drastically worse then I'm aware of.

[Psychotic Ninja]

Depressed and creeped out. I enjoy working here, however I need a new job. Mainly for a higher pay. The other reason being the unwanted guests here. One of the first things I saw today was a cricket. Black. Ew. Fuck nope. A few months ago, there was a cockroach, or a beetle. I don't know my bugs. I don't care to know. I just don't want to deal with them. We had an ant problem. Mainly I'll see spiders here. Fuck nope as well. Creepiest moment was when I was helping a customer, and a big spider (about the size of a quarter) quickly crawled up and around the monitor on the computer I was using. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope!

 

 

 

In other news, I've thrown everything at my computer, even the kitchen sink, AND IT STILL FUCKING SHUTS DOWN! Oh hey, that's the second emotion I've felt, other than sadness, in a while. Creeped out, and anger. Both in one day. Yesterday was only one other: Laughter. Only lasted about 10 minutes. Maybe I suffer from minor Depression. I don't know. The only thing left to try is reinstalling Windows. That's gonna be my weekend project.

 

 

Edit: Happy now