Vent

[longliveprose]

Windows 8 has been doing this fuckin thing that I hate. I closed Jed's HLMV in Task Manager since the program hates being closed conventionally, and it's stayed on my desktop all day.

 

[Selfsurprise]

Looking back on my post I can't help but notice that I'm basically acknowledging my own hypocrisy here. As someone who's genuinely lied to himself about who he is I can sort of relate to where those people come from if only to a basic degree. It's a self-perpetuating cycle of denial where your actual self is in conflict with your ideal self. You know that you're not who you say you are so you effectively turn it into a competition within your mind in order to exhibit your most idealized trait of yourself. If you have a massive ego problem like I do then you can't bear the thought that you didn't know exactly who you are at all times.

 

For a long time I've had this idealized version of myself where I was effectively Sherlock Holmes. The very definition of an independent man who was dedicated solely to his work and wasn't held back by some women/partner. As I found out that I wasn't actually Asexual like Sherlock Holmes and in fact had a preference for women to the point of considering the possibility of being in a relationship with a women. It was so crushing that I refused to acknowledge the notion and went out of my way saying just how Asexual I was. I'm still having issues accepting the idea that wanting a partner is okay and that my independence won't be destroyed because of it.

 

I hope that made sense, I'm not at all justifying the homophobic behavior that you're describing here. In all honesty I find this whole thing to be kinda sad that we just can't accept who we are regardless of it being self-imposed or environmental.

I think you are being rather hard on yourself, though you bag some extra respect from me for the rigorous self-criticism and obvious self-awareness.

 

As for myself, I'm far too aware that I'll never be an adequate and totally well-adjusted adult individual. My psychological makeup isn't cut out for wanting "the life" in regards to relationships, a family, a social or occupational position, etc. I'm much too aware that I'm an unattractive beta male and my sexulity and desires overwhelmingly reflect that. But I'd argue that, unlike in the past when I felt the need to justify my stance on things and on my conduct to others, I'm actually much happier now than I've ever been. I like my own company, I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything by not being in a close relationship with anyone, I have no real ambition other than to keep a roof over my head and my belly full and that for the most part I actually prefer the polite distance between myself and my contemporaries.

We have this understandable bias in our culture that a sedentary existence with little or no long-term planning is a recipe for depression and heartache, and it's a narrative that I've fallen for in the past, and suffered for buying wholeheartedly into it's binary tropes. But now I'm almost thirty I've actually rather come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to make a major contribution, and that I possess and melancholic and pessimistic outlook, and that the only thing I truly believe in is entropy. It's not perfect, but then I'm not so worried about it either. I've come to realize that much happier inside my own headspace than in reality, and I urge anyone else who shares my mentality to feel less ashamed or unjustified for being that way.

[Blightmare]

At this point the only reason i still have a facebook account is to keep in contact with a few friends who're actually still cool people. The rest however it's like every time I go there it's 100% fact-free political "discussion" (more like "Attack of the 2 Year Olds: Keyboard Warrior Edition") that consists largely of the fanatical right arguing with the fanatical left and both of them raising the bar on how stupid one could look. I don't think I can handle another person trying to use "left" or "right" as insults to discredit another.

 

If you can't join into a discussion without name calling, passive aggression, semantics abuse, or opinions enforced as hard fact; political or otherwise; then kindly GTFO and please PLEASE let that door smack your ass clean off your body on the way out. And the same goes for those attempting to incite one of these playground fights.

[Psychotic Ninja]

"Oh hey! You think X game is best one in series, this view is different than mine, UNFRIEND!" WHO THE HELL DOES THAT KIND OF SHIT?!

[rairii]

"Oh hey! You think X game is best one in series, this view is different than mine, UNFRIEND!" WHO THE HELL DOES THAT KIND OF SHIT?!

 

well i mean fallout 4 is kinda shit

[Psychotic Ninja]

"Oh hey! You think X game is best one in series, this view is different than mine, UNFRIEND!" WHO THE HELL DOES THAT KIND OF SHIT?!

 

well i mean fallout 4 is kinda shit

 

pWdd6_ZxX8c

[Jeb_CC]

Somebody just kill me now. -.- Repeatedly. Make sure I'm really dead.

[Heliocentrical]

"Oh hey! You think X game is best one in series, this view is different than mine, UNFRIEND!" WHO THE HELL DOES THAT KIND OF SHIT?!

ME, I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU IF YOU SAY SKYRIM IS BETTER THAN MORROWIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Well that's what younger me would've said.

 

Somebody just kill me now. -.- Repeatedly. Make sure I'm really dead.

Well I was going to off myself sooner or later, I guess I could use the company. It wouldn't be much trouble to load this extra shotgun shell I had lying around. Killing two birds with one stone really or more like a thousand because the shells' are buckshot but I digress. You first or I?

[Jeb_CC]

You first or I?

 

Maybe if the spread is good you can kill us both at the same time.

[Heliocentrical]

Maybe if the spread is good you can kill us both at the same time.

I dunno, the shotgun is telling me it only fires in one direction. Should I take a match to the buckshot, cross our fingers and see what happens?

[Jeb_CC]

I dunno, the shotgun is telling me it only fires in one direction. Should I take a match to the buckshot, cross our fingers and see what happens?

Perfect.

[Psychotic Ninja]

Rise of the Tomb Raider, final boss, about to take on SPOILER third round (yeah, one of those boss fights) when game crashes. I'm done.

 

[Zaraki]

Great.

Just fucking great.

Now our water supply's fucking up,the sink is full of dishes and its a hot summer day.

Plus,I barely have anything to eat.

[Vapymid]

Oh, hey - no suicide pacts here, you two.

 

I want my Jeb alive and well. I have other plans for her...

 

Regards

[Jeb_CC]

Oh, hey - no suicide pacts here, you two.

 

I want my Jeb alive and well. I have other plans for her...

 

Regards

 

Mm. Like what?

[Psychotic Ninja]

 

I want my Jeb alive and well. I have other plans for her...

 

Well that's ominous

 

 

 

[Vapymid]

Hmmm... people, don't tempt me... *licks his lips*

 

Regards

[Heliocentrical]

Oh, hey - no suicide pacts here, you two.

Oh alright, *Heliocentrical stuffs the shotgun up his shirt* I have better applications for my shotgun anyway. Speaking of which does anyone have any spare grenades I could borrow? No reason in particular.

[Jeb_CC]

Hmmm... people, don't tempt me... *licks his lips*

 

Regards

Ohhh gosh.

[Psychotic Ninja]

Oh, hey - no suicide pacts here, you two.

Oh alright, *Heliocentrical stuffs the shotgun up his shirt* I have better applications for my shotgun anyway. Speaking of which does anyone have any spare grenades I could borrow? No reason in particular.

 

No, but I have this pineapple...