Star Wars Story

[Numb.erz94]

Now, before anyone says anything, i'm still in high school. So this might be just a little mediocre.

This is a Star Wars based story that my friend and i have been writing. His will be one side of the story, mine will be my side..

It's written in First Person perspective (because that's the most comfortable for me). Positive feed back, or constructive feed back would be nice.

 

The reason why I am posting here is because I know that the community here is kind enough to at least give me a chance. I am also posting here because I would like more opinions than that of just my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

Star wars Story

Prologue (5 years before apprentice-ship/imprisonment relative to story timeline)

“Wake up… Kain… Wake up” said a dull voice.

I felt a quick jolt of pain trickle down my arm. “What?” I asked as I wearily sat myself up on the edge of my cot.

“We need to hide.” It said.

“Jack? Wh-Whats going on?” I asked as I rubbed my eyes.

A sense of urgency flushed Jacks face and his words “Mandalorians!”

My heart dropped; my throat tightened, as a wave of fear washed over me. Slamming into my heart and mind like a wave crashes onto the shore.

“Hurry, we can’t waste any more time!” he yelled “We’ve wasted too much already”

Jacked pulled me to my feet and we started to run towards the safe-room that my father had built years before he was killed in a Mandalorian raid. An alarm blared through the settlement. “They are almost here!” I yelled. Clumsily I punched in the code to open the thick doors to the safe-room.

Jack ran into the safe room “Hurry!” He yelled, extending an arm.

Blaster’s echoed through the settlement. I froze with fear, rage, and other strange emotions.

“Kain! Please!” He yelled as he banged on the door.

I glanced at Jack. His eyes swelled with uncertainty. I turned away and looked out the window. “Life. Or enslavement?” I asked. My voice was rough and low.

“What?”

“LIFE OR ENSLAVEMENT!” I yelled as I slammed my fist against the wall, breaking the skin on my knuckles. A stream of blood trickled down my hand and onto the floor.

“Life… Always life…” choked Jack. A tear dropped down his face and onto the dusty floor.

An explosion demolished the side of our home; a mass of debris slammed into my right shoulder, dislocating it and cutting deep into the muscles. The pain was blocked out by my rage.

“KAIN!” Yelled Jack. His voice drowned out by the sound of my pulse echoing in my ears. I felt my body being lifted. “You’re going to be okay…” whispered jack. The screeching of the thick metal doors stabbed at my ears as they slowly sealed the way into the safe-room.

 

 

 

Chapter 1: “The Past Waits”

(5 years after apprentice-ship/imprisonment relative to story timeline)

 

“Hey scumbag! Time to wake up!” Yelled a guard.

I glanced at the guard. Short, stocky and drunk. “Just what I need.” I groaned quietly when I sensed an extremely familiar presence. Jack.

The guard stumbled to his post greeting Jack. After a brief discussion, the reluctant guard exited the room. Jack closes the doors behind him, a dull thud echoes through the room.

“Captain Atton.” I said, stepping away from my cot.

“Lord Kain” he replied “And its commander now...”

“Has it been that long?” I asked, walking towards the edge of my cell.

“Yes… It has.” He replied mournfully.

“It seems as if not much has happened during my sentence.”

Jack shook his head sadly; taking a quick glance at me he asked “Life, or enslavement?”

A wave of emotion passes through me, “Not this fucking bit again.” I sighed, rolling my eyes.

“Do you remember when you said that? Do you remember how old you were?” he asked. His voice was strained.

“I tend to forget my past. I suggest you do the same” I said, hiding my sadness in a lie.

“You were fourteen – FOURTEEN! And you were contemplating life or enslavement!”

“You know... You should really try to keep your emotions in check. Do you forget what our old…” the word tasted sour “…Masters, used to say.”

Jack coughs then laughs lightly. “Our old masters…” his voice became soft “If not for your stupidity and insolence, you wouldn’t be locked away here.”

I let the words sink in; slowly hate and rage became guilt and sadness.

“Your thirst for power and your inability to keep hold of your emotions brought you here.”

I avert my eyes, hoping Jack doesn’t notice my guilt. “As I stated earlier, I tend to forget my past.”

“If that be the case, then allow me to… Refresh your memory.” Jack said as he straightened his robes. Using the force Jack plucked the guards chair from beside the door and placed it gently by his side. The chair creaked as he allowed his weight to press against the spine.

“I don’t think that is very wise.” I said. My tone of voice became vacant.

“Why not, I do recall you saying that you couldn’t remember most of your past?” asked Jack. He allowed silence shroud the room in its veil of melancholy. A bitter light flows in through one of the few windows that the room had. “When we were seventeen, three years after the attack; a Jedi master came to our home to help us restore what little that we had left. When they were testing out blood for any infections, they became very cautious of us. A couple of months later, one of the Jedi on the council arrived at our settlement. He treated us with such care, explaining why he was there, helping us to mend the scars left by the Mandalorian’s raid that left us devoid of a home… A week thereafter, he depicted to us the true motive of his arrival.” He adjusted his position on the chair.

“The look of joy on your face was… vast when you learnt that you could become an exceptionally powerful Jedi. But you relinquished the chance when you ran away in a search for power.”

“I understand that I overstepped my bounds... But the power that I have acquired exceeds that of any comprehension!”

 

------------------------------------thats all for now-----------------------------

 

if i could attach a docx file i would..

Edited May 7, 2012 by Guest (see edit history)

[Pinkie Pie]

Ohh! My cousin made a story like this once! Anyway, it's actually not bad. I'm a huge Star Wars nerd so this is my kind of thing.

[Numb.erz94]

thanks that actually means more than you think. The version that i am writing on paper is no where near as good as this one. i'm still writing the paper version, but then i am typing it i change up a lot of things. Like, my character doesnt start feeling a change until later on in the story.

 

"Slowly hate and rage became guilt and sadness." marks the change in my character.

[Numb.erz94]

i'm going to try and update this weekly if i can. (no promises i'm really busy with hockey and what-not)

[Numb.erz94]

My plan was to have an ass-ton of this story done by the end of Christmas break, but i was busy with hockey and a new relationship, I've written more down on paper and i'll continue working on it as soon as i can

 

(its not like anyone is actually reading the story anyways)

[Pinkie Pie]

I did! <3

[Numb.erz94]

I did! <3

thanks

[Numb.erz94]

so for anyone that is still following this, i have made a small amount of progress on my story. I have no idea how much i will get done this week because i'm busy with hockey and school. on top of that, my trial for Microsoft office is bound to run-out any day now.

 

thanks

[Lord Sinister]

on top of that, my trial for Microsoft office is bound to run-out any day now.

 

This may help: http://www.libreoffice.org/

 

Also, I read what you wrote in your first post, but there needs to be more; it's a bit short.

[danielsangeo]

If I may. You seem to be showing only the action (and not much of that) and none of the setting. Try to add some descriptive scene setting and space out the dialog with how characters are thinking and such. I'd suggest reading some Star Wars books to see how they do things. That scene with the Mandalorian attack could've been much longer and much more detailed.

[Psychotic Ninja]

And then Disney takes over and cancels your story!

[Numb.erz94]

hey its been like a year since i've been on this thread.. i really dont know how long its been.

but i'm going to do as dan said, i'm going to go on about the mandalorian attack although i was planning to flash back to it at some point. i havent really had that much time to work on it because i'm busy, very busy with a girlfriend whom i love and plan to marry sometime in the future, and i've been working full time with a plumbing company as an apprentice.

unfortunately most of my inspiration to continue writing this story has gone down the drain since my best friend and i have stopped talking.

[BTGBullseye]

Well, good luck with the girl!

[Numb.erz94]

Well, good luck with the girl!

 

lol, the good luck wishes were in vain. we broke up at the end of September.

[BTGBullseye]

Then good luck with the net girl!