Useless Advice

[Alyxx Thorne]

Send an email to GabeN.

 

My coffee is getting cold. How do I get it warm?

[Obsidian]

Put it next to something that's hot...

 

The royalty is displeased with me. What do?

[J.C.]

Strip.

 

I want Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be on TV again. How do I do it?

[Obsidian]

hijack a TV station and put it back on the air.

 

There's a shark at my door, what do I do?

[J.C.]

Insert an oxygen tank inside the shark's mouth. Open fire with a rifle. Clean up the mess.

 

I have allergies. How can I get rid of them?

[Obsidian]

Go to space.

 

I have little rep... what do?

[J.C.]

Offer people money and services in exchange for rep.

 

I'm afraid of riding horses. Is there anything I can do?

[Obsidian]

You can try letting a horse ride you to get over your fear of riding a horse.

 

I think my neighbors are all paranoid. HALP!

[J.C.]

You're right. They are all after you. Nothing you can do, sorry.

 

What game should I buy next?

[Obsidian]

E.T. for the Atari. Enjoy!

 

My room is cold. What do?

[J.C.]

Get some combustible lemons and start a little fire.

 

I need to take a shower. Should I do it now or later?

[Obsidian]

Never, the girls will be all over you!...ffffttt....

 

I hear a ticking sound. What do?

[J.C.]

Don't worry. It's your neighbors, 6 floors up. they're having fun.

 

There seems to be some sort of dimensional rift forming on the street. What should I do?

[Obsidian]

Jump into it.

 

It's still cold here. What do?

[J.C.]

Start jumping up and down until you get warm. Coitus is also a good choice, if a willing partner is available.

 

I was about to jump into the dimensional rift, when some sort of Cyberdemon emerged from it. What do I do now?

[Obsidian]

Use your phone to destroy the tiny sheep demons invading your network.

 

I need a vacation with lots of fun. What do?

[J.C.]

Go to Vegas.

 

My phone is broken. I used to have a BlackBerry. What should I get now?

[Obsidian]

A pie.

 

My phone doesn't vibrate enough. What can I do about it?

[J.C.]

Threaten it.

 

Is hot in here. I need to cool myself. What should I do?

[saja]

Go to a desert at night.

 

I can't abstract from the reality around me. Help. Please.