Useless Advice

[Obsidian]

Start out by going to a 5-star restaurant and playing racket ball in the dining room. Everything else will follow.

 

How can I build a time machine?

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

You don't need to. Just call "The Docter" and he'll give you a lift

 

How can I get a girl friend

[Collective Foal]

First, you have to learn how to spell "The Doctor" correctly. Then, you have to single-handedly destroy a race of statue predators that feed on time energy and can only move when unseen. After this, you might find yourself falling in love with a red-haired Scottish cutie with nice legs.

 

How can I cook spinach in a toaster???

[Obsidian]

You hold it against the wiring with a fork. Make sure the fork is touching the wires to ensure your spinach is cooked thoroughly (disclaimer: I'm not responsible if someone is stupid enough to try this).

 

How can I mass produce toast?

[saja]

Convert a motherboard assembly line into a toast producing factory. The assembly lines have ovens. You'll just need to reprogram it and add some bread, butter and jam. Oh, and fire the guys who had soldered the small components to the boards and give them free toasts. With lemons.

 

My artificial intelligence program is stubborn. It says that I'm a moron, and not just a regular moron. How can I convince it to work with me as a partner? Giving it more RAM or calculating power did not work.

[Blightmare]

Stuff it in a potato.

 

I've got 3 hours till class and little to do! HALP!

[Obsidian]

WWGFD? Explore the ventilation system until class starts.

 

Tivo thinks I'm gay. What do?

[Blightmare]

Play gay chicken with it. It'll give in before you actually need to do anything to it.

 

To many people think bisexuality instantly means gay. How do I make these people understand?

[Obsidian]

Explain the difference to them... in song!

 

Tivo didn't give in with that game of gay chicken, and now I think it has romantic feelings for me. What do?

[Blightmare]

Let it off easy. take it out to a movie, buy it dinner, and just break it to it slowly that it isn't going to work out.

 

I have to kill 2 hours before class. Suggestions?

[Obsidian]

I'd use a knife. It's more personal than a gun, unless you engrave the names on the bullets.

 

In a poorly worded metaphor, I offended a lot of people. What do?

[Axeldeath]

Secret butt fun. Answer to every problem.

 

I can haz chzburger?

[Scorpia]

you see i went ahead and placed a tiger, whom i trained to use a chainsaw, between you and the cheeseburger, once you get passed him you have to make the man who's had his tear ducts removed cry in order to taste the cheeseburger. good luck.

 

I've been teleported to England after a gratuitously violent bar fight with an Irish man named Winston went horribly wrong, so now i can't get my dog to stop chewing on the sofa. any help?

[J.C.]

Join him. The sofa is delicious and moist.

 

I'm thinking of becoming a superhero. Any costume suggestions?

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

Nothing, you can be the first nudest superhero

 

How can I fly?

[Madman]

Jump of a high building and pray.

 

Pacman is chasing me with a shotgun! What can I do?

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

Eat him

 

How can I make this make sense fucdcj j kbivyccfi cd

[Obsidian]

Bang your head against a brick wall for a few hours.

 

How can I put an image in my signature?

[Axeldeath]

Give something to Ross.

 

...Something

 

I CAN HAZ CHZBURGER ALREADY?!

[Razor235]

I put the cheeseburger in the Android Live Fire Course...but, with the help of a few flammable lemons you should be able to make it.

 

HALP! MAI NUKLER MISL IS (SOMEONE FIRE THAT TRANSLATOR!) LAUNCHING INTO MY NEIGHBOR'S KID! HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS TO THE COPS??