Useless Advice

[Brad]

Shake up a can of soda and tie it to the rocket. That should give it a nice boost.

 

How can I get our football team to the Superbowl?

[Scorpia]

tie a ham to one of the players, then watch the team chase him down, do your best to make sure he gets to the super bowl stadium before he gets caught.

 

i broke my keyboard by smashing it against my forehead, any advice on where i can buy a new T.V?

[Collective Foal]

Take a gun to best buy. Punch everybody, take a TV and tote in on your back out of the store. When you see Red and Blue lights, start shooting the gun in their direction.

 

Can anybody tell me how to lie better?

[Scorpia]

well, the problem is with your back, you need to find a more comfortable position, do you lie on a futon? those are uncomfortable as hell! try an actual bed. hope i helped!

 

can someone help me understand what a homonym is??

[Obsidian]

A homonym is a nym that likes other nyms of the same gender (see: heteronym)

 

Can someone tell me what I need to do to get this monkey off my back?

[Scorpia]

simple! have a supreme court judge rule the monkey as non-existent, the monkey will accept it's non existence and thereby leave your back!

 

what should i go as for Halloween?

[Obsidian]

You should go as Rarity from the latest MLP episode.

 

How do I get the children of the village to stop laughing at me?

[Scorpia]

well, you must talk to yourself in my voice so that people will think you're too crazy to laugh at you in a safe manner.

 

i'm trying to teach my cat complex equations for some reason, any advice to make sine and cosine easier to understand for a cat?

[Brad]

Yell at it. It'll get the message.

 

Eventually.

 

I want to build a teleporting machine, how much duct tape will I need to get the spare parts from Home Depot?

[J.C.]

I'm sorry, but you are going about that the wrong way. First, you need to get yourself to mars. Then, wait until the UAC begin their teleportation experiments. And remember, as Doom 3 has shown us, there's no duct tape on mars. Otherwise, you would be able to use some to fix a freaking flashlight to your weapons.

 

I want to achieve world domination. What should I do first?

[Blightmare]

Call the media and tell them the end is near. When you have them in a panic, drain the ocean!

 

I need to figure out ways to motivate myself. What do?

[Obsidian]

Bend over for a good kick in the pants... sheesh... kids these days!

 

How do I get to the moon?

[Blightmare]

Make Celestia ask you if you'd like a banana.

 

My friend just got a parking ticket without breaking any parking laws. What should we do?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Kill the cop with catsup!

 

 

Help! I was driving along, then I got a flat tire, how can I get Jimmy Johns to deliver to the middle of the road?

[Doctor Felix Whooves]

Threaten them

 

How can I jump start this thread?

[Collective Foal]

Attach jumper cables from your car battery to your mother board and power supply. Turn the car over while this thread is up on your screen. That oughta give it a nice jump.

 

Where can I get a thousand lies and a good disguise?

[Psychotic Ninja]

From EA.

 

 

Help! I "accidentally" killed my boss, how do I make it look like it was my neighbor?

[Koach]

umm.. jeez this is difficult... ah... yes. tell the cops he did it. then bugger off.

 

i need to find a way to make my musket more accurate. any ideas?

[Epsilon]

Move into point blank range and shoot.

 

Help! I need to become wittier so I'm able to create more useless advice!

[Collective Foal]

Find every good comedian in the world and place them in a large blender. Dip your face in their pureed bodies and let dry. Walk around with the dried stuff on your face and people (as well as yourself) will notice you are much wittier than before.

 

How can I teach myself to draw better?