Useless Advice

[Selous Templar]

Don't be so xenophobic to illegal aliens you racist, sexist, mexicanophobic, bigot, they have every right to shoot up your ride you cis scu- **gunshots**

 

just go piss on their graves

 

I'm trying to lay low, but the landlord has informed me my rent is late. How do I pay it back

[HGARR]

you can try to pay with your liver. the spleen works too.

 

my dogs acting crazy, what should I do?

[Selous Templar]

Kick it

 

I'm out of rope arrows, how do I climb this building?

[HGARR]

Shoot arrows into the wall to improvise a ladder.

 

How do I get a gf?

[Selous Templar]

No idea. You just need to be lucky.

 

how do I stop Majestic 12?

[HGARR]

Become a majestic 13 or higher

 

My canoe has capsized and there are crocodiles around. What do I do?

[Selous Templar]

Eat the crocodiles.

 

I am sneaking into Lord Bafford's Manor, how to I get into the third floor?

[HGARR]

cut a hole on the celing of the second floor, or the floor of the fourth floor.

 

somebody ate my pizza, how do I find out who did it?

[Psychotic Ninja]

*Wipes pizza sauce off of face* It was your neighbor, trust me on this.

 

Help! I need to hide certain evidence of something I did, what do?

[Selous Templar]

put it in a black dude's car.

 

This mechanist thing keeps stalking me, how do I stop it?

[HGARR]

Go into a dark alleyway. Stalkers hate that.

 

I'm being hunted by a helicopter. What do I do?

[Selous Templar]

Give yourself up you communist! You can not escape Pinochet

 

How do I defeat the Sentinel?

[HGARR]

Covenant plasma weapons work well.

 

I'm in a car chase with the police, how do I get rid of them?

[Selous Templar]

RAM THEM, and use your Nitros

 

How do I claim my No.1 spot on the Blacklist?

[Spagelo]

Make a union hymn LP with the Almanac Singers.

 

How to I walk on water?

[Psychotic Ninja]

! Simple really, first, swim to the shallow end, and repeatedly punch the wall until you fall and land on the ground, you'll be fine.

 

Halp! There's this giant fish that wants to eat me in Hob, how to I kill it?

[HGARR]

Wear sandals made from cork!

 

 

Edit: ninja'd

Blow bubbles. This will block the fish's view of you allowing for a safe escape.

 

How do I cut onions without stinging my eyes?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Yank out your eyes first, soak them in cold water, so you can safely put them back in when you're finished.

 

 

Help, people keep on getting ninja'd by me, how do I stop this?

[Selous Templar]

First you take a rope, and you tie it into a noose, then you....

 

I'm trying to defeat this dude with throwing knives, but he moves too fast. What do?

[HGARR]

Change your username to Psychotic monkey. Then they'll get monkey'd by you instead.

 

Edit: ninja'd

 

Throw all of your knives at once. Nobody can dodge all of that!

 

Help, My sons on drugs, how do I sober him up?