Useless Advice

[Selfsurprise]

Break into his house at night and leave horrifying enigmatic self-portraits of yourself with an angry expression.

 

I'm stuck in a bit of musical rut and want to expose myself to some new genres and bands. Any advice on where I should begin?

[Psychotic Ninja]

First, play basketball. The rhythm of the bouncing ball should help you figure out what new genre of music you secretly like. If that fails then go on to step 2) Robbing a bank. Best to do it with a crew, and hit a bank that requires you to ride an elevator with elevator music. The smooth jazz shall help you concentrate.

 

 

Help! I was following a How To Basic video, but the instructions where unclear, and now my beard's stuck in a pencil sharpener. And now I'm hungry. Do you know of any pizza joint that will deliver to me?

[longliveprose]

I know of a place in Pakistan whose pizzas have had a drastic cut in the amount of inchworms recently.

 

There's this guy I want to hang out with more. How do I convince him to come over?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Kill his family, that'll do the trick.

 

 

Alright, now how do I get my beard unstuck?

[Selfsurprise]

Pull your own face off.

 

I want to have a young, nubile, Japanese girlfriend. How should I go about enticing one to go out with me?

[Zaraki]

Show her your horror movie collection.

 

I wanna buy some products on discounted prices,but I'm still broke. Wat do?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Steal em! If that's not your thing, then just rob a bank for the money. Promise you'll pay them back.

 

 

Help! I don't know what to do for a living, any suggestions?

[longliveprose]

Become a Philosophy major, they make the most money!

 

I want to re-enact the Holocaust, but with furries. How do I go about doing this?

[Psychotic Ninja]

They're all held captive, so save 'em.

 

 

Help! I'm held captive and there's no 'not suspicious cake' here for me to enjoy! What do!?

[Zaraki]

Convince your captors to buy you a drink.

 

My laptop keeps crashing randomly! Wat do?!

[Psychotic Ninja]

Remember, and think about... Matthew... 21 17: "And he left them and went out to the city to Bethony and lodge there".

 

 

Help! My beard's stuck in the toaster, what do?

[Jeb_CC]

Just, don't even bother taking your beard out. Just wear the toaster. XD

 

I need to look at my art from a different perspective. How?

[longliveprose]

Take the picture you just drew and redraw it from another angle.

 

Tailors are against the idea of bell bottoms in the 21st century. How do I convince them that it'll all be fine?

[Ikthias]

Put bell bottoms on all of their inventory, they either accept the epicness of the bell bottoms or fade into obscurity.

 

How do I make my Lava Lamp go faster?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Heat it up using your oven

 

 

How do I get better at drawing?

[Jeb_CC]

Sacrifice your soul to Satan.

That's what I did. XD Works like a charm.

 

How do I get a job?

[Ikthias]

Look for someone/thing with a bright yellow "!" above them/it.

 

How do I stop procrastinating?

[longliveprose]

Check your emails, especially if you sign a lot of petitions or have an account on Quora. This signals to the brain "oh, I'm doing work, better get on that paper".

 

My last video was an hour long responding to a 7 minute video. How do I get my next video to the 3 hour mark?

[Psychotic Ninja]

Record yourself going Super Saiyan 3, that'll do the trick

 

 

How do I start procrastinating?

[Ikthias]

By focusing all your effort on the tasks at hand, push aside all distractions, soon that procrastination will consume you.

 

How do I listen to music as loud as I want without disturbing my roommates? (headphones don't help)