Useless Advice

[Zaraki]

Buy more butter.

 

My plates were stolen!By my dog!

[BTGBullseye]

Don't worry about it... The US Mint has plenty more where they came from.

 

I am feeling more and more depressed, and it's getting worse when there's less to be depressed about... I think extra depression will help, but I'm not sure.

[Selfsurprise]

Would it help you feel more depressed if I told you that I felt great? Did it help? BTG, buddy?

 

I have this crippling fear that a stern nun is always lurking behind me, just outside of my visual range. What should I do?

[BTGBullseye]

Helped a lot... *rolls eyes audibly*

 

Easy, get some 360° glasses, then you can be absolutely certain that she's always in your visual range.

 

I don't know why a simple little 'scare' (it wasn't all that scary) woke me enough that I can't return to sleep, but I need help getting back to sleep...

[Zaraki]

Use 5 sleeping pills.

 

My clock is set forward to August 19,2145.It won't set back again.

[danielsangeo]

Get in your interdimensional holodeck and never come back out again.

 

It's too warm for a window fan but too cool to use my A/C. What do?

[BTGBullseye]

If it's the perfect temp, then why ask? Just go play darts or something.

 

I need to relax, but I also need to do things... Help?

[Zaraki]

Go steal a book or a phone.

 

The sun is blocking my view! Help!

[Selfsurprise]

Shine the brightest torch you own into it's face, and see how it likes it.

 

There's a dozen or so giant crane flies in my living room and I'm afraid they know that I'm more scared of them than they are of me. What should I do?

[BTGBullseye]

Eat them. That'll show them for seeing that you're scared of them! (besides, they're totally harmless)

 

There are people that simply refuse to believe that there is such a thing as Christian Death Metal... Help?

[Selfsurprise]

Play them some Deicide. That ought to allay their doubts.

 

Nobody wants to help me start an Amish Industrial band. How do convince people that it's actually a really great idea?

[BTGBullseye]

Make a few tracks solo, then play them for people... That'll get them interested. Then when you finally get a contract from a major label you can say "F*** YOU!!!" and not do it, since you won't have a bunch of band members to argue with, then you can self-publish online and make millions.

 

The audio for the later section of the Planetside 2 gameplay is majorly distorted and quiet, despite turning all the volumes up to max... How do I get it louder?

[longliveprose]

Jury rig a power router to the speakers, draining the power from the lights, appliances, and neighbours.

 

A man is telling me to come with him in a police box despite nearly indirectly killing me.

[BTGBullseye]

You shouldn't talk to strangers... That's the first thing you're taught in school by strangers. That said, go with it.

 

I'm too tired to think up a good fake problem, but too awake to just go to bed... Help? Maybe?

[longliveprose]

Methamphetamine will help you out.

 

I have two days of school and seven of classes.

[Psychotic Ninja]

Skip school

 

Help, what do I do to figure out what to do with the rest of my life?

[Remolay]

I recommend sleeping as much as possible. You won't figure it out, but you won't have as much time to worry about it.

 

I need to lose weight with no to less than no effort.

[Psychotic Ninja]

Just follow this instructional video:

 

a2alHCNpx7A

 

Help! My ass has eaten my hand, and now it hungers for more! What do I do?

[longliveprose]

Move to San Francisco.

 

I need to top my last 2,000 word post.

[BTGBullseye]

Random Thread with lots of random characters.

 

I need, but don't want... Help?