Useless Advice

[Professor Vex]

Buy plenty of spare needles for your record player, and remember not to leave your head out in the sun(Warping has ruined several of my heads).

 

If I'm me, and you're you, then where the fuck is the van?

[danielsangeo]

Try to remember the last place you left it.

 

Can you tell me how to best recharge alkaline batteries the fastest?

[Professor Vex]

Put them in your pocket, and carry around a long metal rod.

 

How do I get this freakin' sniper?

[BTGBullseye]

Earn a lot of money, and then pay him.

 

What do I need to do to make the average person think of bats more like the Flying Fox variety, instead of the Vampiric variety?

[St. Goliath]

Teach foxes how to fly. Perform experiments to determine the aerodynamic properties of foxes at supersonic speeds. Write a reasearch paper about it.

 

How can I get more sleep?

[BTGBullseye]

Take a lot of Valium... The more the better.

 

How do I get people to do things they tend to not want to do?

[Psychotic Ninja]

First you acquire a dozen eggs (all fresh from a golden chicken),a computer, printer, scanner, and photoshop. Trust me on this. First, scan all 12 eggs, lid shut. Then with Photoshop, you edit the scanned result, to look like the golden chicken. Print off the image, and hand it to the golden chicken. He will then shit out instructions for the task you want the people to do.

 

 

How do I sleep when I'm not tired?

[Binky The Rabbit]

Walk on your head. Should send enough blood to your brain you suffer a reverse blackout.

 

My laptop just shot a foul-smelling fluid in my face.

[BTGBullseye]

That's perfectly normal... Pat it on the back, and shut it down for the night. It'll stop with the foul stuff in a few years.

 

Cameras are trying to steal people's souls, but they haven't done anything with mine... Why?

[Binky The Rabbit]

There are two possible reasons. You were either born without the Delta Brainwave, and the cameras cannot access your soul, or they did an analysis of you and concluded it wasn't worth bothering.

 

I fell over and now my hands and feet are hooves.

[BTGBullseye]

Congrats, you are now a horse.

 

I need more money and a better printer so I can print professional-grade Magic the Gathering cards...

[Psychotic Ninja]

Seeing as you have no problem with counterfeits, get counterfeit money to get the better printer.

 

 

I'm hungry, but there's nothing to eat at the house. Alright, there's things in the house to eat, if I was willing to cook em, but I'm not, and I don't have the money to eat out, and I do have a problem with counterfeit money, so what do?

[Binky The Rabbit]

Take your dog for one last walk...

 

Also, take up the guitar and go busking. Earn moneys, buy food

 

Help, I'm trapped in a Nicolas Cage movie!

[BTGBullseye]

Just say "I'll be back... Yippee ki yay motherfuckers... I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite ass in this movie..." then take off your pants and do the pee-pee dance. If they don't kick you out of the movie immediately, it's probly going to be one you'll enjoy.

 

The Monopoly money just got me laughed at, should I try Rail Baron money instead?

[Blightmare]

No that'll get the same reaction. You want to use chocolate coins. Be sure to ONLY peel half of them.

 

Every time I play the medic we don't need one but the moment I go something else everyone starts taking a ton of damage. What do I do?

[BTGBullseye]

Stop playing the game... That'll show them for thwarting your healing ambitions, then rubbing it in your face!

 

Do you think that semi-counterfeiting Magic the Gathering cards for personal use only is going to get me in trouble with someone? If so, how do I get out of it without having to spend any money?

[danielsangeo]

Fully counterfeit a magic card to turn your enemies into toads.

 

My throat is parched. What do?

[BTGBullseye]

You don't need it, so get rid of it.

 

I'm tired... I don't want to sleep though... Any suggestions?

[Zaraki]

Go and get a treasure map.

 

I'm torn between eating one thing i like and one thing i also like but i can only eat one.OMG WHAT DO?

[[sk]lebowsky]

dont forget to breathe