Useless Advice

[BTGBullseye]

Get icepick, shove icepick into brain, instant lobotomy! You'll never care about it again, I guarantee it.

 

I have two unseeded torrents that I need downloaded...

[Professor Vex]

Go down to the hardware store. They sell seeds in the gardening department.

 

No one has posted on most of these topics in weeks, how do I revive them?

[BTGBullseye]

Delete all your posts, then combine them into one giant one, and post it in the Misc. section as a new thread.

 

How to go get groceries without leaving the house or ordering online?

[Seattleite]

Learn summoning magic.

 

How to convince my girlfriend's two year old niece that she doesn't need to be cuddled at every second and I need to periodically go places she can't follow me?

[Professor Vex]

I find large amounts of alcohol solve my problems for minutes at a time... Then I lose track of what the proble- HEY I'M TYPING HERE, YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! *I get my ass kicked by the mirror that fell on me that I mistook as another dude.*

 

Face full of broken mirror, how get sexy goat to watch chickens while I go to hospital?

[BTGBullseye]

Tickle the plastic moon's nipples... It always works for me.

 

How to get my Dad to go to bed withing 2 hours of when he says he's heading to bed? (he currently takes between 4 and 6 hours)

[Seattleite]

I'mma have to defer to Vex's advice on this one. It seems applicable.

 

Is there any way to get a toddler to stay in one place? Because I've delt with plenty and don't think there is.

[BTGBullseye]

A welded ankle cuff chained to a 300lb steel triangular pyramid would work... Just keep the cutting torches and plasma cutters out of reach.

 

I'mma have to defer to Vex's advice on this one. It seems applicable.

Alcohol doesn't affect me in that way, and costs way too much money for me to consume the amounts necessary to do that on a daily basis...

[Seattleite]

Alcohol doesn't affect me in that way, and costs way too much money for me to consume the amounts necessary to do that on a daily basis...

 

I meant for your dad, dummy. How does it work on him?

 

Why did you forget to post a question?

[BTGBullseye]

It was an implied continuation of a question, not that this thread requires a question... (you really do need to better learn the English language)

 

I need more time in the day...

[Seattleite]

Well you needn't worry, soon you'll be laid off in favour of a machine that does your job almost as well (possibly better in your case), for more people, and costs about $0.25/hour. Then you'll have all sorts of time.

 

I need an easy way to get between cities faster than a bus, that isn't me driving. (Because me driving is bad for humanity as a whole.)

[BTGBullseye]

You could take a hostage and tell them to drive you at high speed to your destination, but make sure you don't take ones that drive cars with flashing red and blue lights on the top.

 

How to sleep without sleeping?

[Seattleite]

You could always shoot yourself in the head. Then you'll be kindof "asleep", but not actually sleeping.

 

How to get away from my keyboard?

[BTGBullseye]

Throw keyboard into a large bonfire... It would begin to disassemble and move upward away from you, and you would likely not be physically able to move close to it.

 

How to make all clocks everywhere stop for as long as I want?

[Professor Vex]

I've heard good things about EMP generators, but that leaves sundials, and those that run on non-electric power sources... destroying the sun would be a pain I recommend giant orbiting tiles. As for the mechanical clocks I'm going to say that either personally destroying them all woul- ...Fuck it, just bomb everything. It works for U.S. foreign policy, and mythbusters; IT CAN WORK FOR YOU!

 

If one train leaves Fresno going East at 48 MPH how long will it take for the passengers to lose the novelty of traveling by rail, and wished they had picked a different mode of transportation?

[BTGBullseye]

-356898 seconds.

 

How can I make work think I'm sick so that I can stay home all day?

[danielsangeo]

Get a cup of water and call from the bathroom, and "interrupt" the call, make retching sounds and then dump the water into the toilet bowl. Then hang up in the middle of the dumping.

 

I want to get the Oculus Rift but people are telling me to wait for the consumer release version, but I don't want to wait. Advice?

[BTGBullseye]

Don't wait... Steal it now! (3d printer and two cell phones, and you're golden!)

 

I need to find a way to make the dumb people stop calling in for modem only support to help fix their laptop being stuck in sleep mode... Any ideas?

[Professor Vex]

Most phones have a feature to block phone numbers you don't want calling.

 

I have one more tooth then I should have, how do I fix this with duct tape, and WD-40?

[BTGBullseye]

Duct tape your head to the front of a moving truck, then spray the wheels until it slides into something... Should remove the issue of that extra tooth pretty effectively.

 

My ambient music, the music that is always playing in my head at literally all times, is the Monty Python and the Holy Grail Intermission Music... How do I make sure that never ever changes?